I've never done this before. I've never felt the need to actually respond to comments I've received about something I've written. Maybe I went a little bit too far. Maybe I should...
Nope. I'm not taking none of it back. This movie sucked.
I don't know what cartoons in the 80's has to do with anything. We're not talking about the cartoon. We're talking about the movie. But since cartoons were brought up, every cartoon has episodes where the title character isn't the focus. I wasn't paying nine bucks to watch them, either.
And since black characters in cartoons were brought up, I was never big on them, either. Jazz in the show never embarrassed me. Roadblock did. And Jazz in the movie made me roll my eyes. I'm glad he died. But just because the cartoon did it makes it okay for the movie do it almost 25 years later?
I never brought up dialogue outside of one line delivered by Prime. But since it was brought up, just because the dialogue on the cartoon wasn't that good, doesn't excuse the movie from having corny dialogue in any way, shape, or form. No one spent $200 million on an episode of Transformers.
I never said I expected this movie to be like the cartoon. There isn't a person in this life or the next who has ever heard me say that or express this sentiment. I always knew it wasn't going to be like the cartoon. And I went into the theater with low expectations. It's just always sad when you even your lowered expectations are exceeded.
I never said anything about Transformer names not making sense. I just never liked that Bumblebee wasn't a Volkswagen, and allegedly, that one wasn't Michael Bay's fault. Score one for him.
Regarding the Autobots being completely useless: Man, it's a two-and-a-half hour movie. I don't have time for Prime to learn how to man-up and fight his sworn enemies. He's been at it for a million years. If he can't get it now, he's never gonna get it.
Regarding what Michael Bay wanted to show in this movie: I already saw Armageddon. I already know how he thinks the U.S. Government would react to a threat from outer space. He just threw some Independence Day in there for good measure.
Someone tell me this...was ANYTHING that was going on with the Army, Sector Seven, the hot chick (she was okay), the hacker, and the other computer people even necessary? No, for real...that was integral to the story?
I have to admit, there were a couple of moments in this movie that gave me goosebumps. I think all of them were during times when Prime was talking. There were a couple of moments here and there that were pretty exciting. But when they're spaced out by things like the guided tour around the SECRET FACILITY or some half-assed love story or finding out if Tyrese and Johnny Knoxville are going to get to where they're going, I was yelling at the screen "GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!" Seriously...I don't care. Outside of Sam himself, there wasn't a single human being in this movie that they couldn't do without and I will argue with anyone on that point. Now, if you were able to look past that...fine. But for me, I paid nine bucks to see giant robots. I know I've said that a lot, but that's my problem with this movie. I didn't get what I paid to see.
There's nothing I said where I complained about changing the mythos of the cartoon or comic book. Say what you want...the movie got judged on its own merits. In fact, everyone else did all the nitpicking about the cartoon. I mentioned the cartoon one time, and that was when talking about Bumblebee. And even that is minor, because he could have been a Volkswagen with Mr. Fusion powered time-circuits, wings, and a horn that's powered by love and happiness, and the movie still wouldn't have been good.
I don't dislike things because they're not like the source material...except for Resident Evil, because they didn't even try. They could have called that movie Speed Hyper Death Kill Zombie Ultramix 4 and you would have never known the difference. But the thing is, just put a good movie out there. I thought Spider-Man was a good movie. The first time I saw X-Men, I thought it was good. Batman Begins was flat out awesome. I watch Smallville religiously. Teen Titans was one of the best comic related cartoons ever. And none of those things is completely true to the source material. But what they are is well written. They didn't make me want to leave the theater (or change the channel) when there wasn't something exploding on screen. Transformers can't say that.
Overall, it was like being on Jackass. Yeah, you get brief moments of fame and a little bit of money...but look at what you had to go through to get there. If you had completed the 7th grade like your mother said, you wouldn't have to swim in raw sewage to pay your rent.
Oh, and Shia LeBeouf was great. I can't wait to see him in something that's actually good.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Transformers: Ass Pain From Beyond the Stars
I just have to get this out there: Stop trying to ruin my childhood.
The latest death strike against my happiness was called “Transformers,” which must be Hollywood-ese for “attractive people doing stuff with flashy camera angles.” It was a movie that I wasn’t asking for and probably could have gone the rest of my life never wanting to see. I already saw the Transformers movie, back in 1986. It was called “Transformers: The Movie,” and it came out at a time when the word “Transformers” still meant “giant robots that punch each other.” I was tricked into seeing it by four so-called friends who swore to me that it was awesome. But it wasn’t, and I hate you all. Don’t let me see you in the street.
The movie, despite the extremely leading title, was really about a boy named Sam who was a budding huckster with no ties to his family, because for most of the movie, he was trying to sell off valuable family mementos so he could buy a car for himself. And one of those mementos was a pair of glasses that the hapless Autobots would need to find the thing that created their entire race. Meanwhile, the Decepticons were using their natural robotic gifts, like hacking into computers and killing things, to reach the same goal. I wouldn’t doubt it if the Decepticons had spent the last million years giving the Autobots swirlies and stuffing them into lockers, because if the Autobots couldn’t figure out that they were also highly advanced robots that could talk to our primitive computers, they deserve to lose.
But, because they had the humans on their side, led by Sam the Invincible, the Autobots triumphed in the end. Lucky for them that everything landed on Earth, so their weak-kneed leader, Optimus Prime, could lean on the broad shoulders of Sam Witwicky. Good thing they didn’t land on the Planet of the Apes or the place where the Klingons live, because Prime would have been in SO MUCH trouble. By God, Sam doesn’t live on the Planet of the Apes.
It really is just that bad. There isn’t a single thing that the Autobots can accomplish for the entire movie without Sam or some other human holding their hands through it all. Maybe all of them should have transformed into short buses, because there wasn’t a robot among them who wasn’t almost fatally retarded. I swear there was a part where they had to call poison control because Bumblebee couldn’t stop drinking Drain-O.
And that’s what I don’t like about this movie. It’s about the damn humans. I said a year and a half ago that if I wanted to see movie about humans doing stuff, I’d watch damn near anything else, because when a Transformers movie comes out, I want to see giant robots punching each other. This sort of approach works if the evil thing looking to destroy mankind isn’t interesting (like an asteroid), or can’ts speak for itself (like Aliens or Predators) but the Transformers written properly have more personality than the half-developed human characters that make up this movie. There’s the hot chick who can fix cars, there’s the black guy, there’s the socially awkward nerd, there’s the mean military guy. You’ve seen these characters in other movies, and they were probably also directed by
But not only do they manage to make giant robots uninteresting, they make them generic and unable to be told apart. I’ve put together more exciting movies with the toys in my room. The best part is when Six-Shot stops humping Barbie, then scolds Batman for being a child molester. Little boys in speedos hanging around with reclusive billionaires can’t be a good thing.
There was a scene in the movie where the Decepticons start attacking the Autobots, and there was a pause in the action for almost a full minute because we had to watch the hot chick and Sam make eye contact and reach for each other. In the middle of a battlefield. With missles and giant robots flying overhead. Because when you’re surrounded by world-ending destruction, you might as well try and get some first. And when the shit’s going down and there are arms and heads and shit flying all over the place, who actually needs to see it, when you can see the blossoming romance between Sam and his stroke-material?
When they actually did give the robots screen-time, most of it was taken up by Bumblebee and a robot that transforms into a clock radio. Clock Radio (because they couldn’t be bothered to give him a name) was clearly inspired by some of the Star Wars droids, because not only was he one of the few robots who did ANYTHING without human assistance, he made all sorts of cute bleeps and bloops and bounced off of walls and stuff. He was kind of like an evil R2-D2.
Bumblebee was Sam’s car who loved Sam so much that he looked 20 years into Sam’s future and saw that he was never getting laid. Because Bumblebee couldn’t pleasure him without violating the laws of nature, he decided to try to get him some from the hot chick. Why was he named Bumblebee? Because there had to be a character named Bumblebee. And because making him a Volkswagen Beetle like he was in the cartoon would have made his name make too much sense, they made him a Mustang and hoped no one would notice. Then, they made his robot form look like a bumblebee. Problem solved.
And where is it written that all black people in movies have to be loud, full of jokes, and able to dance? I swear, even the black robot fit that description, and couldn’t make it through his introduction without cussing and break dancing. Luckily for us all, he was killed, filling in another requirement for black people in movies: the black guy always dies. Normally, this would upset me, but since he was the proof that cooning even takes place amongst the stars, I took it as a mercy killing.
Well, what about the CGI? Because after all, that’s what we came to see, right? It would have been good if they had allowed you to actually see it. There were times when they were standing around and talking and that looked okay. But when the fights started…because the robots themselves look so plain and indistinct, you just get a blur of metal pieces every time the robots fight each other. That’s right, the last 30 minutes of the movie looked like a spin cycle with metal shards in it.
Overall, this movie was just an extreme letdown. You’d think that a movie that was about giant, shape-changing, robots from another world that hate each other and fight would have been enough, but when your name is Michael Bay, you have to add flashy camera tricks, jokes, and a scene where The Autobots have to hide in Sam’s backyard so his parents don’t see them. Yeah, as ridiculous as it sounds to hear about 30 foot tall robots that shake the ground when they walk trying to hide in a residential area, imagine having to sit through it. Optimus Prime breaks something and says, “My bad.” Oh, the comedy gold!
As a result of the tinkering, my worst fears were realized: A shit movie where the title characters became background players was released to the world. And people have been led to believe it was a good movie, and as a result, I was led to believe that I should see it. A movie about cybernetic beings from beyond the stars who have been waging war on each other for millions of years, and yet when they get to Earth, they become so inept that they have to depend on a 17 year old nerd virgin and the cool kids from your high school to survive. Because if “Transformers” taught us nothing else, it’s that the world can only be saved by the attractive. Jesus Christ, this is what
Look, I really tried to like this movie. I gave it a chance. I really did. I knew it wasn’t going to be anything Oscar-worthy, or even Tony-award worthy, but maybe if
Bring on the Underdog movie, so I can go ahead and drink that cup of bleach and end my suffering.
Monday, January 29, 2007
I Can't Believe I Rented It - Superman Returns
The following might be offensive to gay people. Just know that it's nothing against you, I really just don't like Bryan Singer. That is all.
"I didn't know it were possible for one movie to suck the balls of another until I saw "Superman Returns." Actually, it shouldn't surprise me that this movie had that ability, judging by the alleged ball-sucking skills of its allegedly homosexual director, Bryan Singer. Allegedly."
Those were my original thoughts as the opening credits rolled across the screen. Okay, so my thoughts read like I was writing them for a column. So what? The point is, I was judging the movie before it got started. And let's face it, it's hard not to do that the movie can't get through the opening credits without ripping off a movie from 1977.
And I knew Bryan Singer was going to do it. I knew he was going to reuse parts of the original score and I knew he was going to reuse Marlon Brando's voice, being a huge fan of "Superman: The Movie," but I don't understand why. I loved those first two Superman movies as much as the next guy, but not enough to where I would actually copy parts of that movie and put them into my 2006 update. And if I worked for Warner Bros, I would be wondering exactly what the hell he spent $200 million dollars on. Maybe he spent it on male strippers or a special lens to look longingly into Brandon Routh's eyes from afar, because it certainly wasn't spent on originality.
Or entertainment, for that matter, because unless I misjudged how entertaining Superman being a stalker could be, this movie was pretty damn boring. Whether he was watching Lois in the elevator or looking through the walls in her house, this was a creepiest Superman I have ever seen. Since Bryan Singer was so intent on "tweaking" the costume, he should have just given him a dirty trench coat with a "S" on the back.
Congrats on being the only Superman to make me uncomfortable, Brandon Routh. I hope you're proud. I know you worked hard at making me shudder at the fact that a man can watch me use the toilet from space.
As far as the rest of the cast, I'm probably just nitpicking, but I don't like my
I guess my main problem with this movie is not because it's poorly written or that he tried to shoehorn things in, because that's not the case. My problem is mostly that it was goddamn boring, but also because I simply don't agree with some of his choices of direction. I guess Singer just preferred having a dopey Lex Luthor instead of one that people would, I don' t know…actually take seriously. And since I didn't go to film school, I never learned the rule that said, "Through Brando, all things are possible. You are nothing without Brando." After all, he was so invaluable the first time. Then again, what do I know? I'm not the director.
I mean, if I was the director, I would have made sure I had things like action in my action movie. But because he was so focused on that fantasy about tonguing down Brandon Routh's muscular chest, Bryan Singer actually forgot to add things like tension, excitement, and confiict to the movie. He might have gotten so lost in the dream that he thought he was actually on the set of "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman," because I don't think Superman punched a single thing during the whole movie. That would be kinda like Bryan Singer not dreaming about Brandon Routh's crotch. Not a day passes by where it doesn't happen.
In the end, the whole thing played out like The Hulk: In both, the title character had maybe 20 minutes of total screen time and the rest of the movie was a bunch of relationships between characters I didn't care about. Listen, if I didn't care about Cyclops in three X-Men movies, what makes you think I'm going to care about him in this one? You know what would have made me care? The part where he tried to kill Lois with his optic rays for letting him believe that was his kid for all these years. That part had to get edited out so we could get 30 more seconds of watching Superman get shot in the face in slow motion.
I swear, gay people really need to stop making superhero movies. I'm just saying. Between Joel Schumacher, Bryan Singer, and whoever invented "Captain
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Star Wars DVD Day?
An annoucement to all Star Wars fans/nerds: Shut the fuck up.
The original movies in their original forms are finally out on DVD. I, for one, am pleased. Han shot first. That's all I wanted. I was never really that up in arms about the other changes, except for that one. Now, that it's fixed, I have nothing further to say. I can even say, having finally seen it, that Hayden Christensen's appearance at the end of Return of the Jedi isn't so bad. And I've got a good copy of my favorite movies on DVD. End of story.
Or at least, it should be. Thing is, people are bitching about minor things this time around. Real minor stuff. Who cares about the box art? How many times a day are you going to look at it? Who's actually going to say, "Man, this movie sucks because the box art looks Photoshopped." Who cares about whether it's Dolby Digital or Dolby 5.1? Who cares about aspect ratio? I don't even know what that stuff means, I just hear you guys say it all the time. No one cared about it when it came out the first time and seeing it as it was presented then (and on my worn-out, dubbed tape), all my frustrations towards that man are pretty much gone.
Why are you so upset with George Lucas for releasing the same movie six times? No one told you to go buy it every time. Anyone with a head on their shoulders knew that eventually he was going to release the original versions again. All you had to do was be patient. He's a businessman. He also knows that most of you are suckers who will actually buy the same movie six times.
Now that I own the movies that I wanted, the "Star Wars Negativity Train" can stop and let me off. Thank you, George Lucas, for finally not acting like a dick. At least for this brief moment.
The original movies in their original forms are finally out on DVD. I, for one, am pleased. Han shot first. That's all I wanted. I was never really that up in arms about the other changes, except for that one. Now, that it's fixed, I have nothing further to say. I can even say, having finally seen it, that Hayden Christensen's appearance at the end of Return of the Jedi isn't so bad. And I've got a good copy of my favorite movies on DVD. End of story.
Or at least, it should be. Thing is, people are bitching about minor things this time around. Real minor stuff. Who cares about the box art? How many times a day are you going to look at it? Who's actually going to say, "Man, this movie sucks because the box art looks Photoshopped." Who cares about whether it's Dolby Digital or Dolby 5.1? Who cares about aspect ratio? I don't even know what that stuff means, I just hear you guys say it all the time. No one cared about it when it came out the first time and seeing it as it was presented then (and on my worn-out, dubbed tape), all my frustrations towards that man are pretty much gone.
Why are you so upset with George Lucas for releasing the same movie six times? No one told you to go buy it every time. Anyone with a head on their shoulders knew that eventually he was going to release the original versions again. All you had to do was be patient. He's a businessman. He also knows that most of you are suckers who will actually buy the same movie six times.
Now that I own the movies that I wanted, the "Star Wars Negativity Train" can stop and let me off. Thank you, George Lucas, for finally not acting like a dick. At least for this brief moment.
Jackass Number Two: A Wholly Imagined Review
No, I haven't seen this movie, nor do i plan to. I just think it's a safe bet that I can review this movie without having to drop eight bucks on it. I've seen the show before. I think that's all i need. I don't think that one needs much in the way of actual reference when reviewing a true life story about those kids in your class that you paid to eat things you found under your desk, riding rocket powered bikes into the water or stapling their own balls to their legs. I should be able to wing it. The great thing is, it saves me eight dollars and gas money.
Once in a lifetime, a movie comes along that makes you wonder, "Why exactly is it illegal for us to neuter or spay the less intelligent?" Movie, thy name is "Jackass."
"A new low."
"A plunge into depravity."
"A sad commentary on our degenerating culture."
"A disgusting, replusive, grotesque spectacle."
And, well...you can't really argue with any of that. I don't think anyone's mother would be proud to see their son getting shot in the groin with paintballs or hiring an army of blue midgets to run down the street naked. It's kinda like fighting Mike Tyson when you don't have any arms. Sure, some might be impressed by your bravery, but your glaring stupidity will make people question how you made it through life without swallowing a beer mug full of razor blades or accidentally losing your other limbs in a fight with the lawnmower. And I'm not saying that I'm morally above laughing at some moron standing in front of a charging bull, but when the name of the show is "Jackass," you've given away your right to deflect criticism. And even if you called the show "Masterpiece Safe Well-Thought Out Brillance," once people got a glimpse of you swimming in raw sewage, I don't think anyone's who saw it is going to think you're a worthwhile member of society.
It's one thing to giggle amongst yourselves while you do things like this. Hell, as a guy, I think we all have had moments where we'd do stupid things just to make ourselves laugh. Well, maybe just those of us who have white friends. I remember playing invisible tug-of-war across busy highways just to watch the cars stop or starting a pretend fight on the side of the road, or spray painting a cat's butt. Just doing things to see what would happen. The difference is, I was 14. And when girls came into the picture, all that crap went out of the window. Not because they were really trying to talk to me, but because in case they ever did, I wanted them to have something else to say to me besides, "hey, you're that guy who got banned from the mall, right?"
What do I really think of "Jackass?" I think that it's probably the stupidest possible thing you could be doing or watching at any given time. Having said that, I don't think it should be banned or anything like that. It's gotten a chuckle or two out of me, and it's about the most mindless form of entertainment ever invented. However, I think kids who emulate what they see on the show should be put in jail on the grounds that they're dangerously stupid and are probably going to get some of our useful members of society killed one day. The world should look at these movies as a helpful warning manual. "Being this level of retard is what's in store for you if you don't stay in school." And really, it's either that or being stuck in the back of Burger King, drying trays. Yeah, these guys have a little money, but not only will you not be joining them on their fun-filled romps, it's an even safer bet that eventually, someone smarter will be coming along to steal the little bit of money they do have. I just don't think any kids out there should pin their hopes for a better future on their ability to absorb pain or being unnaturally brave in the face of a stupid death. The idea brings this conversation to mind:
Parent 1: Yeah, little Devonte is excelling in all his sports. His basketball coach says that he could make the NBA one day, seeing as how he can dunk at 9 years old.
Parent 2: That's great. Well, little Cletus can take multiple shots to the head with a bat and can drink a whole gallon of paint thinner without passing out. I think I'm gonna try him out for that "Jackass" show.
Parent 1: Yeah, I'm gonna go call Child Protective Services now. There's a special place in Hell for people like you.
The ability to be stupider than everyone else shouldn't the signpost to a new era for your family. However, if this is the only skill that you have, by all means, die doing it. Not only will your life serve as a warning to those of us who aren't missing a chromosome, it will also help thin out the ranks of those of you who are, who seem to be unable to come up with ways to stop breeding.
Bottom Line: If your IQ is under 75 or you have no discernible skills, hopes, or dreams, by all means, see this movie, and follow it's example. Otherwise, your only hope in life is robbing liquor stores. If your IQ is 130 or higher, don't even go into the theater, because the surrounding moronicism will give you a headache. The movie actually drains intelligence at a rate of 3 IQ points per minute.
Once in a lifetime, a movie comes along that makes you wonder, "Why exactly is it illegal for us to neuter or spay the less intelligent?" Movie, thy name is "Jackass."
"A new low."
"A plunge into depravity."
"A sad commentary on our degenerating culture."
"A disgusting, replusive, grotesque spectacle."
And, well...you can't really argue with any of that. I don't think anyone's mother would be proud to see their son getting shot in the groin with paintballs or hiring an army of blue midgets to run down the street naked. It's kinda like fighting Mike Tyson when you don't have any arms. Sure, some might be impressed by your bravery, but your glaring stupidity will make people question how you made it through life without swallowing a beer mug full of razor blades or accidentally losing your other limbs in a fight with the lawnmower. And I'm not saying that I'm morally above laughing at some moron standing in front of a charging bull, but when the name of the show is "Jackass," you've given away your right to deflect criticism. And even if you called the show "Masterpiece Safe Well-Thought Out Brillance," once people got a glimpse of you swimming in raw sewage, I don't think anyone's who saw it is going to think you're a worthwhile member of society.
It's one thing to giggle amongst yourselves while you do things like this. Hell, as a guy, I think we all have had moments where we'd do stupid things just to make ourselves laugh. Well, maybe just those of us who have white friends. I remember playing invisible tug-of-war across busy highways just to watch the cars stop or starting a pretend fight on the side of the road, or spray painting a cat's butt. Just doing things to see what would happen. The difference is, I was 14. And when girls came into the picture, all that crap went out of the window. Not because they were really trying to talk to me, but because in case they ever did, I wanted them to have something else to say to me besides, "hey, you're that guy who got banned from the mall, right?"
What do I really think of "Jackass?" I think that it's probably the stupidest possible thing you could be doing or watching at any given time. Having said that, I don't think it should be banned or anything like that. It's gotten a chuckle or two out of me, and it's about the most mindless form of entertainment ever invented. However, I think kids who emulate what they see on the show should be put in jail on the grounds that they're dangerously stupid and are probably going to get some of our useful members of society killed one day. The world should look at these movies as a helpful warning manual. "Being this level of retard is what's in store for you if you don't stay in school." And really, it's either that or being stuck in the back of Burger King, drying trays. Yeah, these guys have a little money, but not only will you not be joining them on their fun-filled romps, it's an even safer bet that eventually, someone smarter will be coming along to steal the little bit of money they do have. I just don't think any kids out there should pin their hopes for a better future on their ability to absorb pain or being unnaturally brave in the face of a stupid death. The idea brings this conversation to mind:
Parent 1: Yeah, little Devonte is excelling in all his sports. His basketball coach says that he could make the NBA one day, seeing as how he can dunk at 9 years old.
Parent 2: That's great. Well, little Cletus can take multiple shots to the head with a bat and can drink a whole gallon of paint thinner without passing out. I think I'm gonna try him out for that "Jackass" show.
Parent 1: Yeah, I'm gonna go call Child Protective Services now. There's a special place in Hell for people like you.
The ability to be stupider than everyone else shouldn't the signpost to a new era for your family. However, if this is the only skill that you have, by all means, die doing it. Not only will your life serve as a warning to those of us who aren't missing a chromosome, it will also help thin out the ranks of those of you who are, who seem to be unable to come up with ways to stop breeding.
Bottom Line: If your IQ is under 75 or you have no discernible skills, hopes, or dreams, by all means, see this movie, and follow it's example. Otherwise, your only hope in life is robbing liquor stores. If your IQ is 130 or higher, don't even go into the theater, because the surrounding moronicism will give you a headache. The movie actually drains intelligence at a rate of 3 IQ points per minute.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I Can't Believe I Rented It - Seven Samurai
I saw Akira Kurosawa film "Seven Samurai" last night and I can sum it up thusly: It's 3 hours and 28 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
It's the 1954 tale of a farming village overrun with bandits, so the farmers go out and recruit some samurai to come in and protect their village. For those who are observant, yes, it does sound a lot like "Three Amigos," because "Three Amigos" totally ripped off it's plot.
Apparently, this movie is supposed to be a classic. I don't see how, though, because at this time in history, the Japanese don't seem to have discovered things like "pacing," "character development," or other basics of storytelling like "rising action," "falling action," or "climax." I guess they were too busy trying to figure out how to create a giant nuclear lizard from the depths and make it fight with a giant nuclear moth, except that no one in Japan thinks to distract the moth with a porchlight. Even now, they still don't seem to have mastered pacing, because developing giant transforming robots and inventing the "Schoolgirl Panty Dispenser" took priority sometime about the late 70s.
I suppose I should talk a little about the movie, but I already did, two paragraphs ago. Really, that's the long and the short of what's going on. For three hours. And 28 minutes. It's a movie so long and so boring that they actually put an intermission in it. Not even "Titanic" or any "Lord of the Rings" movie can make that claim.
Oh, right...I'm supposed to be talking about the movie. Okay...because they can't wait to get into this riveting tale of explosive battles to right the wrongs of the wrong, they don't even bother to introduce most of the characters. And you'd think in a movie that was subtitled, you'd pick up their names eventually. And you'd be sent back to your "remedial retard" class for thinking too clearly if you did. So we just made up names for the characters. There was "Fat Boy," and "Crazy Guy," and "Old Guy..." I don't remember the rest. And as you can see, we're not too imaginative. The last word on character introductions...some of them just show up. I'm still not sure where Crazy Guy came from. He was just...there.
Follow up on the shoddy character development: There were also no real explanations for why some of these guys were fighting for the villagers. Now, this being a Japanese movie about samurai, you don't really need too much of an explanation. Just lay down some words about how you want to do what's right (I think the leader was fighting for that) or because you want to be a better fighter (Old Guy kinda did that, except he turned them down at first, then showed back up with no follow up as to why he did) or just because you think the fight's gonna be totally rad (Goku...except he wasn't in this movie).
Then, there was the gay dude. He also just showed up at the beginning, around the same time as the crazy guy. Thinking back on it, I can't really remember when they first showed up, where they were from, or why they were stalking the leader, who they followed around for about a full day before even speaking to him. Now, the gay dude earned his name for being...well, gay. Sure, they never said it verbally, but his effeminate running and affection for picking flowers said more than real words ever could.
There was also a guy in town who had a daughter that he didn't trust not to get her crotch caught on a samurai, so he cut her hair and made her tell people she was a boy. It was working until she met "The Gay Blade," who fell in love with what he thought was a boy upon first glance. Then, when he found out she was really a girl, and she wanted to get down, he turned her down flat. And then she started insulting his manhood. Sorry, cupcake...God already beat you to it by making him gay.
Mix all this up and throw in some random characters who seem to just vanish, story situations that go nowhere, and group of bandits that have yet to be seen, or even given names, and that brings you up to the intermission. It was at this moment that we began to realize that we might be in trouble. Almost two hours had passed and there hadn't been a hint of build to anything yet. I mean, we know there's a fight coming with some bandits, but except for trying to convince some other samurai to fight, there hasn't been any preparation or anything. The samurai did walk around and look at stuff and there was something about an old lady with no food or teeth.
During the second half, they start training the town and building defenses, in what I can only believe was an test to see how many people's heads would actually explode from boredom. They actually showed their day-to-day procedures. Clearly, the training montage hadn't been invented yet. These 45 minutes that didn't need to be seen could have gone by in about three minutes with some clever editing and a song from an 80's hair metal band. Not only do you get to see how the process went down, but by the end of the song, you've worked out all of your mental anguish about Mickey's death AND you're ready to take on Clubber Lang. I can only assume that the need to show us each long, drawn-out, step in the process of digging a moat or learning to use a bamboo spear is part of a cultural difference that failed to translate.
And that...after what felt like forever...brings us to the huge battle scene. Remember when the battle scene began in "The Two Towers," or even "The Phantom Menace," and there was this feeling of anticipation that you were going to see about 7 shades of awesome explode all over your screen's ass? Yeah, well...they left that part out of Seven Samurai. And you thought "Phantom Menace" let you down. This fight scene unfolded with all the drama and excitement of watching those home movies of you and your friends pretending to be He-Man vs. The Superfriends in the yard down the street. I'm not making this up. They even have recreated the authenticity of that one kid who just ran back and forth in the yard for an hour, because he couldn't find anyone to pretend to fight with.
The bandits showed up, nameless and faceless and rode down the mountain to the village, where they came up to the fence...and then disappeared for the next 15 minutes, presumably out of politeness for the samurai, who had to discuss everything. Then, when both sides were ready, the bandits torched the houses on the outskirts of town, which sent the town's women into hysterics. Once the women were sent safely away, the "Battle to Bore All Other Battles to Sleep" began.
The bandits rode back and forth through the town and the villagers executed what seemed to be a trapping defense, like the one the Chicago Bulls used to use. So, the bandits rode some more, and the villagers trapped some more. And a few minutes in, two things became apparent: No one was fighting and the samurai weren't doing anything. Eventually, some people would die, I'm assuming, because they were keeping track on the scorecard, I guess, to make things easier for the bookies. Then, the bandits went home for dinner or something. I don't know. The next day, they came back and did it all over again, because the crazy guy went to their horses and stole one guy's gun and ran back or something....seriously, do you really care? So, at the end of that day, they had killed practically all of the bandits. At this point, non-idiot bandits would have thought, "hey, these guys are kicking our asses. Let's go find someone that we can beat." But, in what I can only assume was a move inspired by a need for syphillis medicine or an open head wound, the remaining 10 or so bandits came back again. And lost.
At this point, I was just hoping the movie was going to end, so I don't remember much about what happened next. What was far more interesting was what we talked about after the movie, which included topics like, "the Falcons offense, how small your head has to be for one to be as retarded as Detroit Lions' management, something I saw on House the other day, transsexuals and the perversions of one of our old teachers, the length of former WWF wrestler Chyna's clitoris, and of course, whether or not I'd run back and steal Mike's penis from the paramedics who picked it up off of the road." Incidentally, Mike...if you're reading this...I'd totally go back and pick it up with my bare hands.
Summary: Basically, this movie should only be used as a sleeping aid or mind-numbing agent and NEVER as entertainment. Should you ever fall on your remote and force yourself to watch it, you'll find a brand-new edition to add to your list as "All-Time Worst Movies." Or maybe I'm just not smart or cultured enough to appreciate it. Instead, I'll just say that I'm not so pretentious that I'd lie to myself or the world and claim that this qualifies as "a good movie."
It's the 1954 tale of a farming village overrun with bandits, so the farmers go out and recruit some samurai to come in and protect their village. For those who are observant, yes, it does sound a lot like "Three Amigos," because "Three Amigos" totally ripped off it's plot.
Apparently, this movie is supposed to be a classic. I don't see how, though, because at this time in history, the Japanese don't seem to have discovered things like "pacing," "character development," or other basics of storytelling like "rising action," "falling action," or "climax." I guess they were too busy trying to figure out how to create a giant nuclear lizard from the depths and make it fight with a giant nuclear moth, except that no one in Japan thinks to distract the moth with a porchlight. Even now, they still don't seem to have mastered pacing, because developing giant transforming robots and inventing the "Schoolgirl Panty Dispenser" took priority sometime about the late 70s.
I suppose I should talk a little about the movie, but I already did, two paragraphs ago. Really, that's the long and the short of what's going on. For three hours. And 28 minutes. It's a movie so long and so boring that they actually put an intermission in it. Not even "Titanic" or any "Lord of the Rings" movie can make that claim.
Oh, right...I'm supposed to be talking about the movie. Okay...because they can't wait to get into this riveting tale of explosive battles to right the wrongs of the wrong, they don't even bother to introduce most of the characters. And you'd think in a movie that was subtitled, you'd pick up their names eventually. And you'd be sent back to your "remedial retard" class for thinking too clearly if you did. So we just made up names for the characters. There was "Fat Boy," and "Crazy Guy," and "Old Guy..." I don't remember the rest. And as you can see, we're not too imaginative. The last word on character introductions...some of them just show up. I'm still not sure where Crazy Guy came from. He was just...there.
Follow up on the shoddy character development: There were also no real explanations for why some of these guys were fighting for the villagers. Now, this being a Japanese movie about samurai, you don't really need too much of an explanation. Just lay down some words about how you want to do what's right (I think the leader was fighting for that) or because you want to be a better fighter (Old Guy kinda did that, except he turned them down at first, then showed back up with no follow up as to why he did) or just because you think the fight's gonna be totally rad (Goku...except he wasn't in this movie).
Then, there was the gay dude. He also just showed up at the beginning, around the same time as the crazy guy. Thinking back on it, I can't really remember when they first showed up, where they were from, or why they were stalking the leader, who they followed around for about a full day before even speaking to him. Now, the gay dude earned his name for being...well, gay. Sure, they never said it verbally, but his effeminate running and affection for picking flowers said more than real words ever could.
There was also a guy in town who had a daughter that he didn't trust not to get her crotch caught on a samurai, so he cut her hair and made her tell people she was a boy. It was working until she met "The Gay Blade," who fell in love with what he thought was a boy upon first glance. Then, when he found out she was really a girl, and she wanted to get down, he turned her down flat. And then she started insulting his manhood. Sorry, cupcake...God already beat you to it by making him gay.
Mix all this up and throw in some random characters who seem to just vanish, story situations that go nowhere, and group of bandits that have yet to be seen, or even given names, and that brings you up to the intermission. It was at this moment that we began to realize that we might be in trouble. Almost two hours had passed and there hadn't been a hint of build to anything yet. I mean, we know there's a fight coming with some bandits, but except for trying to convince some other samurai to fight, there hasn't been any preparation or anything. The samurai did walk around and look at stuff and there was something about an old lady with no food or teeth.
During the second half, they start training the town and building defenses, in what I can only believe was an test to see how many people's heads would actually explode from boredom. They actually showed their day-to-day procedures. Clearly, the training montage hadn't been invented yet. These 45 minutes that didn't need to be seen could have gone by in about three minutes with some clever editing and a song from an 80's hair metal band. Not only do you get to see how the process went down, but by the end of the song, you've worked out all of your mental anguish about Mickey's death AND you're ready to take on Clubber Lang. I can only assume that the need to show us each long, drawn-out, step in the process of digging a moat or learning to use a bamboo spear is part of a cultural difference that failed to translate.
And that...after what felt like forever...brings us to the huge battle scene. Remember when the battle scene began in "The Two Towers," or even "The Phantom Menace," and there was this feeling of anticipation that you were going to see about 7 shades of awesome explode all over your screen's ass? Yeah, well...they left that part out of Seven Samurai. And you thought "Phantom Menace" let you down. This fight scene unfolded with all the drama and excitement of watching those home movies of you and your friends pretending to be He-Man vs. The Superfriends in the yard down the street. I'm not making this up. They even have recreated the authenticity of that one kid who just ran back and forth in the yard for an hour, because he couldn't find anyone to pretend to fight with.
The bandits showed up, nameless and faceless and rode down the mountain to the village, where they came up to the fence...and then disappeared for the next 15 minutes, presumably out of politeness for the samurai, who had to discuss everything. Then, when both sides were ready, the bandits torched the houses on the outskirts of town, which sent the town's women into hysterics. Once the women were sent safely away, the "Battle to Bore All Other Battles to Sleep" began.
The bandits rode back and forth through the town and the villagers executed what seemed to be a trapping defense, like the one the Chicago Bulls used to use. So, the bandits rode some more, and the villagers trapped some more. And a few minutes in, two things became apparent: No one was fighting and the samurai weren't doing anything. Eventually, some people would die, I'm assuming, because they were keeping track on the scorecard, I guess, to make things easier for the bookies. Then, the bandits went home for dinner or something. I don't know. The next day, they came back and did it all over again, because the crazy guy went to their horses and stole one guy's gun and ran back or something....seriously, do you really care? So, at the end of that day, they had killed practically all of the bandits. At this point, non-idiot bandits would have thought, "hey, these guys are kicking our asses. Let's go find someone that we can beat." But, in what I can only assume was a move inspired by a need for syphillis medicine or an open head wound, the remaining 10 or so bandits came back again. And lost.
At this point, I was just hoping the movie was going to end, so I don't remember much about what happened next. What was far more interesting was what we talked about after the movie, which included topics like, "the Falcons offense, how small your head has to be for one to be as retarded as Detroit Lions' management, something I saw on House the other day, transsexuals and the perversions of one of our old teachers, the length of former WWF wrestler Chyna's clitoris, and of course, whether or not I'd run back and steal Mike's penis from the paramedics who picked it up off of the road." Incidentally, Mike...if you're reading this...I'd totally go back and pick it up with my bare hands.
Summary: Basically, this movie should only be used as a sleeping aid or mind-numbing agent and NEVER as entertainment. Should you ever fall on your remote and force yourself to watch it, you'll find a brand-new edition to add to your list as "All-Time Worst Movies." Or maybe I'm just not smart or cultured enough to appreciate it. Instead, I'll just say that I'm not so pretentious that I'd lie to myself or the world and claim that this qualifies as "a good movie."
Sunday, June 4, 2006
I Can't Believe I Rented It - X3: The Last Stand
Never in my life had I gone into a movie with such low expectations and still exceeded them. You know things are bad when you can't decide which is worse: X3: The Last Stand or Batman and Robin.
Oh, yeah...it was that bad.
Leading up to the release of X3, I was trying to have high hopes. Anyone who's heard me talk about it knows that I really don't care for Bryan Singer much. As the director of the first two X-Men movies, he created movies that I like a little less everytime I see them. They're not bad movies, but the way I describe them is...they're good individual scenes held together by a shoestring of a plot. So, while not awful, I wouldn't hold them up as shining examples of good movies, either.
But Singer took off to do Superman (which I'm still iffy about), so he was replaced by an indy director, who took off for family related reasons, and that guy was replaced by Brett Ratner of Red Dragon (a movie that I tried repeatedly to watch and still have never seen the end) and Rush Hour (I heart Rush Hour) fame.
And lo, the mudslinging began.
Aintitcool.com (the website that Moviepoopchute.com from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was based on) was in an outrage for months. Ratner was going to kill the franchise, Ratner was a terrible director, Ratner had no business being in charge of the X-Men franchise. He didn't know the history and wasn't concerned with learning any of it. The negativity was especially thick, even amongst the already thick negativity that's usually there. I thought to myself, I'm not gonna get caught up in all that. I thought, this could possibly be the best of the three. Sure, I'm not happy about them doing the Phoenix story, but maybe a good movie will come out of it.
I think I might start listening to the Talkbackers on AICN more often.
How bad was this movie? I don't think my puny human tongue can adequately describe how bad this movie was. My brain can't think on enough levels to even make up a word that's appropriate. I'm not even going to really bitch about the characters much, because people that don't read the comic books don't really care. This simply was a bad movie, regardless of if it had comic book characters were in it or not. (Sad thing is, most people don't care about that either.) I started reading X-Men back in 1989, so I'm pretty familiar with the X-Men. But both Callisto and Psylocke (two major characters in X-Men history) were in the movie and I didn't know one was in the movie until I saw the credits. And she spent most of the movie beating the crap out of Storm. The other I discovered an hour ago, flipping through a magazine from a month ago. Who knew?
In Ratner's defense, he didn't have the proper amount of time to make a good movie, so his back was against the wall from the start. You got negativity from the fans and no support from the studio. Not a good start. Fox was so concerned about beating Superman to the punch that they announced a release date before they had a script, director or a re-signed cast. Everything was last minute for this movie.
Even so, I don't know why or how that means that you should just throw away things like good storytelling and just jam the movie with more stuff than people can actually process. It's impossible to make a two-and-some-change hour movie with 50 main characters and expect it to make sense. You just cannot have as many plotlines running amongst that many characters and have a good movie. You can't kill characters all willy-nilly. They were killing important characters with no build-up at all, yet you had these nameless jokers take up all the screentime? Shouldn't that be in reverse? Oh, yeah...you also can't have it change from day to night in a matter of seconds. That must have been a really long walk off the bridge. You'll know it when you see it. And you'll also wonder if everyone's second mutant power is to have really strong knees.
Now, a lot of people have seen the first two X-Men movies and going by what they've established, Scott Summers and Jean Grey are in love. So why is it that Wolverine is the one doing all the crying for Jean? Wouldn't it have made more sense for Cyclops to be doing that? Who cares if Wolverine is more popular...you gotta go where the story takes you. And Wolverine had never professed any love for Jean up to that point. He just wanted the booty. And we all knew that.
In fact, now that I think about it, I don't even remember them interacting at all in the second movie. How much could he possibly have been in love? They just met in the last movie! They had, what...two moments together? Then, you got Storm over here... Listen: I don't care how big of a name Halle is, she was never right for this part. They just picked the first black actress who came to mind. What, was Gabrielle Union's phone disconnected that day? No, she might not be the best choice, but she would have been better than Halle Berry. And she's completely given up on trying to sound like she might be from somewhere outside of America. Didn't even try this time.
They got the Beast in there...something they really could have done without. They did a good job on him, though, considering the circumstances. He was just a half-way important character, depending on which plotline was the focus.
Angel fits into the tier of characters who were just in the movie to be in the movie, which was most of them. Like Phoenix. Or Juggernaut. Or Professor X, for that matter. The only major characters in this movie were Magneto and Wolverine and that's bad considering how much they were trying to put into it. It's also bad considering that these two characters can't really fight each other. Well, they can fight, but all that would happen is Wolverine and his metal skeleton would keep getting thrown into shit, because Magneto...well, controls metal.
It was almost like it was a really bad pilot for a show, because you can already see what's coming next: A Wolverine franchise, a Magneto movie is also in the works, and because they can't resist it....a New Mutants or Generation X movie. Oh, bet on it.
Overall, I really hoped for the best with this one. Then, I went into it with low expectations and was still disappointed. They tried to cram three movies into one, tried to distract fans with comic book moments and situations, threw a whole bunch of stuff at the screen, because they had no idea what else to do. They actually forgot to follow up on stuff until the end of the movie. And to rub salt in the wound, the endings...well, I'll just say that it's almost like they knew they fucked up.
It's not a bad movie because I like the comic books so much, it's a bad movie because it's a bad movie. It would have been bad regardless of the characters. It could have been so much more. Talk about a missed opportunity.
Oh, yeah...it was that bad.
Leading up to the release of X3, I was trying to have high hopes. Anyone who's heard me talk about it knows that I really don't care for Bryan Singer much. As the director of the first two X-Men movies, he created movies that I like a little less everytime I see them. They're not bad movies, but the way I describe them is...they're good individual scenes held together by a shoestring of a plot. So, while not awful, I wouldn't hold them up as shining examples of good movies, either.
But Singer took off to do Superman (which I'm still iffy about), so he was replaced by an indy director, who took off for family related reasons, and that guy was replaced by Brett Ratner of Red Dragon (a movie that I tried repeatedly to watch and still have never seen the end) and Rush Hour (I heart Rush Hour) fame.
And lo, the mudslinging began.
Aintitcool.com (the website that Moviepoopchute.com from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was based on) was in an outrage for months. Ratner was going to kill the franchise, Ratner was a terrible director, Ratner had no business being in charge of the X-Men franchise. He didn't know the history and wasn't concerned with learning any of it. The negativity was especially thick, even amongst the already thick negativity that's usually there. I thought to myself, I'm not gonna get caught up in all that. I thought, this could possibly be the best of the three. Sure, I'm not happy about them doing the Phoenix story, but maybe a good movie will come out of it.
I think I might start listening to the Talkbackers on AICN more often.
How bad was this movie? I don't think my puny human tongue can adequately describe how bad this movie was. My brain can't think on enough levels to even make up a word that's appropriate. I'm not even going to really bitch about the characters much, because people that don't read the comic books don't really care. This simply was a bad movie, regardless of if it had comic book characters were in it or not. (Sad thing is, most people don't care about that either.) I started reading X-Men back in 1989, so I'm pretty familiar with the X-Men. But both Callisto and Psylocke (two major characters in X-Men history) were in the movie and I didn't know one was in the movie until I saw the credits. And she spent most of the movie beating the crap out of Storm. The other I discovered an hour ago, flipping through a magazine from a month ago. Who knew?
In Ratner's defense, he didn't have the proper amount of time to make a good movie, so his back was against the wall from the start. You got negativity from the fans and no support from the studio. Not a good start. Fox was so concerned about beating Superman to the punch that they announced a release date before they had a script, director or a re-signed cast. Everything was last minute for this movie.
Even so, I don't know why or how that means that you should just throw away things like good storytelling and just jam the movie with more stuff than people can actually process. It's impossible to make a two-and-some-change hour movie with 50 main characters and expect it to make sense. You just cannot have as many plotlines running amongst that many characters and have a good movie. You can't kill characters all willy-nilly. They were killing important characters with no build-up at all, yet you had these nameless jokers take up all the screentime? Shouldn't that be in reverse? Oh, yeah...you also can't have it change from day to night in a matter of seconds. That must have been a really long walk off the bridge. You'll know it when you see it. And you'll also wonder if everyone's second mutant power is to have really strong knees.
Now, a lot of people have seen the first two X-Men movies and going by what they've established, Scott Summers and Jean Grey are in love. So why is it that Wolverine is the one doing all the crying for Jean? Wouldn't it have made more sense for Cyclops to be doing that? Who cares if Wolverine is more popular...you gotta go where the story takes you. And Wolverine had never professed any love for Jean up to that point. He just wanted the booty. And we all knew that.
In fact, now that I think about it, I don't even remember them interacting at all in the second movie. How much could he possibly have been in love? They just met in the last movie! They had, what...two moments together? Then, you got Storm over here... Listen: I don't care how big of a name Halle is, she was never right for this part. They just picked the first black actress who came to mind. What, was Gabrielle Union's phone disconnected that day? No, she might not be the best choice, but she would have been better than Halle Berry. And she's completely given up on trying to sound like she might be from somewhere outside of America. Didn't even try this time.
They got the Beast in there...something they really could have done without. They did a good job on him, though, considering the circumstances. He was just a half-way important character, depending on which plotline was the focus.
Angel fits into the tier of characters who were just in the movie to be in the movie, which was most of them. Like Phoenix. Or Juggernaut. Or Professor X, for that matter. The only major characters in this movie were Magneto and Wolverine and that's bad considering how much they were trying to put into it. It's also bad considering that these two characters can't really fight each other. Well, they can fight, but all that would happen is Wolverine and his metal skeleton would keep getting thrown into shit, because Magneto...well, controls metal.
It was almost like it was a really bad pilot for a show, because you can already see what's coming next: A Wolverine franchise, a Magneto movie is also in the works, and because they can't resist it....a New Mutants or Generation X movie. Oh, bet on it.
Overall, I really hoped for the best with this one. Then, I went into it with low expectations and was still disappointed. They tried to cram three movies into one, tried to distract fans with comic book moments and situations, threw a whole bunch of stuff at the screen, because they had no idea what else to do. They actually forgot to follow up on stuff until the end of the movie. And to rub salt in the wound, the endings...well, I'll just say that it's almost like they knew they fucked up.
It's not a bad movie because I like the comic books so much, it's a bad movie because it's a bad movie. It would have been bad regardless of the characters. It could have been so much more. Talk about a missed opportunity.
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