"Yogi Bear," "Partridge Family" return; End of world at hand

Entertainment executives are obviously huge fans of TV Land and Boomerang, because it seems like everything they put into production these days comes from those channels.

"Yogi Bear" has been put into production, and will probably be released in time to ruin the holiday season in 2009. It's being planned as a CGI/live-action nightmare, much in the same vein as "Alvin and the Chipmunks," and "Garfield." I don't plan on ever seeing it, because blah blah blah fuck this movie.

I can't even really get mad at this, because it's not like the cartoons were any good. I know, because I've watched them. We all know Yogi Bear, but it's not like there was any well-ingrained continuity for them to ruin or any classic moments for them the screw up. If I asked anyone I know to name their top three Yogi Bear moments, they probably all involve Yogi stealing a pic-a-nic basket, because that was as far as Hanna-Barbera thought this one out. There weren't any branching storylines or special episodes involving drugs and child molestors, since the show was made in 1961, and back then, it was widely believed that creativity and smart writing was of the Devil.

So, I can't imagine anyone really being too broken up over this one. At first glance, I started to get upset until I realized that this show affected my life in much the same way that Tila Tequila affects my balls: No reaction whatsoever, out of fear of contracting exploding genital warts.

And just when I thought that all I was going to talk about was "Yogi Bear," I stumbled across the stool-loosening news that NBC was bringing back the "Partridge Family." Before you start thinking that supervillains have released a gas that makes you imagine the most ridiculous possible ideas on your computer screen, yes, your dumbfounded brain processed that correctly, although the gas might be real and in the hands of NBC executives for recreational use.

But they're not just bringing it back, they're updating it for the 90s. I understand that it's really a year and some change away from 2010, but the concept is thus: Instead of the kids begging the mom to front the band, the new show involves "a struggling, sort of well-meaning mom pimping her kids in order to create a wholesome-slash-sexy cash cow." Sounds like an unnecessary 90s, update to me. Like "Knight Rider 2000." I'm shocked that they're not calling it "Partridge Family 2010," or "Partridge Family X." I wonder if they'll show the part where the obsessed, half-drunk mom tells all of the kids that she should have swallowed instead when they can't get their songs right.

Again, I don't care, because the name always made me think that I wouldn't like this show and in all the years that I've been aware of this shows existence, I've never cared to find out if I was wrong. A show called "The Partridge Family" sounds like some punk shit, and the "Brady Bunch" and "Gilligan's Island" taught me valuable lessons when it came to avoiding the bad television minefield. I will not be fooled again. Basically, if they couldn't put enough thought into the show to give it name that can be put on a t-shirt that won't get the wearer stuffed into their own bookbag at school, then I'm not going to watch it. It's why I never told anyone that I watched "Will & Grace."

I don't know what's worse about these two remakes, though: The fact that they're remaking "Yogi Bear" and "The Partridge Family," or the fact that they're so devoid of ideas that they're literally scraping the bottom of the television barrel to do it. Last I checked, there was no large "Yogi Bear" following, and I'm pretty sure VH-1 killed any "Partridge Family" following by continuing to show Danny Bonaduce in any form or fashion. If anyone reading this decides to watch either of these remakes, you probably don't have any taste in anything and may God have mercy on your soul. If I remember correctly, there's a Bible verse condemning remaking Hanna-Barbera cartoons.

Next up: Will Jonathan Taylor Thomas return for the "Home Improvement" movie? After reading this, you have no idea if I'm kidding or not.

For God's Sake, They're Bringing Back "Knight Rider"

As if you didn't need further evidence that Hollywood has run out of ideas ("The Bionic Woman," The Bratz movie, the Hot Wheels movie, so on and so forth), here comes the latest remake of an old TV show: "Knight Rider." Finally, an excuse to try to make that "whoosh" sound with your mouths again.

For those who weren't self-aware in the 80's, "Knight Rider" was a show about David Hasselhoff and his talking car. The show wasn't about much more than that. It was simply an excuse to show a black Trans Am driving really fast and jumping over stuff, with the help of a "Turbo Boost" button. Allegedly, they were supposed to be solving crimes on the show, but I never once saw David Hasselhoff fight anybody or do anything on the show that didn't involve showing his hairy chest and sleeping with women. He didn't even drive the car most of the time, because KITT was smarter than he was.

I personally believe that it was created solely to capitalize on the popularity of "The Dukes of Hazzard," which was a show about TWO guys in a Dodge Charger drove real fast and jumped over stuff. Whatever their intent was, it worked, because I was glued to my TV every week when Knight Rider came on. I enjoyed this show so much that I even watched "Turbo Teen" to get my "Knight Rider" fix, a cartoon about a kid who turned into a talking car when he got wet.

Because the show was so deep and layered, and because there was such a demand for more Knight Rider after the failed "Knight Rider 2000," "Knight Rider 2010," and "Team Knight Rider" pilots, they've decided to bring it back. Hurrah for us. The lead role (the unnamed son of Michael Knight) is being filled by "All My Children" actor Justin Breuning. The abundance of testosterone in my body won't allow me to know who this person is. David Hasselhoff will be making appearances, because after all, nothing is as good as it could be if David Hasselhoff isn't in it, and this casting alone will make sure that the show has Germany's ever-crucial support.

Thanks to Hollywood's willingness to literally scrape the bottom of the barrel for ideas, we should go ahead and look forward to the following shows to be brought back: "The A-Team," "Airwolf," and "Nightboat, the Crime Solving Boat."