My Upcoming Box-Office Despair

Jesus Christ, they're at it again.

I like movies, ya'll. More specifically than that, I like GOOD movies. A couple of years ago, I had to make myself watch a bootleg of Alien vs. Predator. That wasn't a good movie.

But, unsurprisingly, Fox has decided to make another Alien vs. Predator movie. I guess the torment of true Alien and Predator fans wasn't enough the first time around. Now, they have to rub people's faces in it. Right now, I'm looking at a script review over at AICN and man, this a terrible movie. It's like they're remaking "Tremors."

First things first, the movie is called Alien vs. Predator. Unless reason goes flying completely out the window in the next year, the next movie will be called the same thing. So here's what I don't understand...why is it that these people insist on making people the focus of these movies? As fine as Sanaa Lathan is, I didn't want to see her cozying up to a Predator. I half expected them to kiss at the end of that movie. Oh, yeah...it was THAT BAD. This second one is shaping up to be even worse, because it's going to take place in a small Texas town and actually goes through the trouble of introducing a series of characters and their wildly disparate lives.

Lemme tell you why this is wrong: First...no one cares. The movie is called Alien vs. Predator, not Alien and Predator vs. People. That movie would suck. I know it would, because I saw it two years ago. Second...and this is my main problem with the way this "franchise" has played out...the big thing about the Alien movies was that they hadn't made it to Earth yet. That was Ripley's main beef with everyone. That they weren't taking the threat seriously and that they could make it to Earth. Now, the first AVP movie tried to work around that and actually seemed to respect the previous movies by having it take place in Antartica, therefore, in secret. This movie is going to put it smack in the middle of Texas and really, from reading this script review, it put me in the mind of something like "The Faculty." Seriously. And it basically pisses all over the stories established by the actual good movies before it.

Now, if I was making these movies, first thing I would have done is told the studio that this movie will NOT take place on Earth. That's what Alien 5 is supposed to be for. Second, this movie will NOT feature people. Really, if I had my way, there wouldn't be any dialogue, either, but i know that's not realistic. But the whole movie would have taken place on different worlds, starting off with a battle on an ice world. For some reason, I've always envisioned Predators hunting Aliens in the middle of a blizzard. I don't really have much else past that, but there's a ton of Alien vs. Predator comic books I can steal from. I haven't read any of them, but I'm sure the fans would be appreciative of my efforts.

And that's what it's all about really...the fans. Fox, Alien movies and Predator movies have a built in fan base. Sure, Predator is more inclusive, because it was a Schwarzneggar movie, but the fans are there. How hard is it to follow what's been established, especially when it was put there by superior filmmakers (like Ridley Scott and James Cameron, "Alien" and "Aliens")? These movies are no different than Spider-Man or Batman. If you respect its' history, the fans will come and they'll attract people who might not have otherwise gone, because they'll feed off of the excitement of people who geniunely are excited. It's not really that hard.

Another movie is coming up that's got me worried, too. It's called "Transformers," and it's a live action movie. I'm not making this up. And you know what worries me the most? It's focus on the human characters. Just like this one. If I wanted to watch people run around and do stuff, I'd watch, oh, say...anything else. I watch Transformers to see giant robots change into cars and planes and beat on each other. Not to see them take orders from humans that they would just as soon step on. It's why I don't watch any of the newer Transformers cartoons. And personally, I think if you're not gonna do it right, why not just leave it alone altogether? You're just going to piss people off.

In Dreamworks defense, Transformers seems to be shaping up a whole lot better than Alien vs. Predator 2. Why can't they just throw money at Cameron or Scott so Alien 5 can get made?

Fox...this is my plea to you. Either do it right or don't do it at all. Give me some Predators with high-tech weapons and funny clicking noises stalking Aliens with wet, drippy faces and acid blood. Dreamworks, I want to see giant robots shooting at other giant robots. I see people all the time. I don't ever get to see Aliens and Predators and Transformers.

The Problem With United 93

In the coming year, we have not one, but TWO movies coming that chronicle the details of September 11, 2001, both having extremely unimaginative titles. "United 93" and "WORLD TRADE CENTER." Being a nigh-genius, I think I'm the only one who sees something wrong with this.

First (and I'm sure I've said this somewhere before), from a historical standpoint, September 11 was like...two weeks ago. It hasn't even been five years in actual time, and they're already making a movie about it. It's not like Pearl Harbor. 1946 was at least two past lives ago for me, but I'm halfway sure that Hollywood wasn't trying to profit off of something that they weren't done dealing with overseas.

At the time, war movies were popular, but that was more propaganda than anything else. Not to mention wholly imagined. No, these movies are supposed to be an accurate account of a traumatic experience that most of America happened to watch live on TV. And unless they're going to really expose the government's hand in the whole thing, I don't see the point in even getting into it.

The bodies are still steaming in their graves! It's too soon!

Paul Greengrass (i believe that's the director's name) says some BS about this movie being a reminder of the terrible events that took place that day. Like we need another reminder. I guess to him, CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, The Discovery Channel, The Learning Channel, A&E, and the institution of American politics in the 21st Century aren't enough. Not to mention all those digital cable channels that I can't afford to have. Hell, every fifth time Bush opens his mouth, it has something to do with September 11th. It's almost like the politicians believe that every time they mention that day, an angel gets his wings. Or Baby Jesus grows another tooth. Either way, it's something that those guys never have a chance of seeing unless they have fire-proof telescopes and binoculars in Hell.

You know how I know it's too soon? One of the guys involved is STILL ON TRIAL!!! IT'S TOO FUCKING SOON!!!

See, here's the litmus test for movies like this. If a politician can insult his challenger in an election about what he didn't do during the time in question and it helps him win the election, it's too soon. That's why Pearl Harbor and Titanic are okay (unless they're being graded on the "good movie" scale). Hundreds or thousands died, but so did everyone else who's old enough to actually remember it. So there's no one to bitch. Which means, by my sliding scale, the movies about September 11th shouldn't be made until about...July 14, 2109. I'm not going to consider death until around that time.

So Hollywood filmmakers, don't try to blow smoke up our asses about how it's been long enough to tell this story. We KNOW the story. You know how why it hasn't been long enough? The news stations still do "Remember" specials every year. So, unless you're going to expose something that we DON'T know (which you aren't), can't you just let us forget about it for a little while before you rush a movie out that will help you refill the money-spouting fountain in your living room?