An annoucement to all Star Wars fans/nerds: Shut the fuck up.
The original movies in their original forms are finally out on DVD. I, for one, am pleased. Han shot first. That's all I wanted. I was never really that up in arms about the other changes, except for that one. Now, that it's fixed, I have nothing further to say. I can even say, having finally seen it, that Hayden Christensen's appearance at the end of Return of the Jedi isn't so bad. And I've got a good copy of my favorite movies on DVD. End of story.
Or at least, it should be. Thing is, people are bitching about minor things this time around. Real minor stuff. Who cares about the box art? How many times a day are you going to look at it? Who's actually going to say, "Man, this movie sucks because the box art looks Photoshopped." Who cares about whether it's Dolby Digital or Dolby 5.1? Who cares about aspect ratio? I don't even know what that stuff means, I just hear you guys say it all the time. No one cared about it when it came out the first time and seeing it as it was presented then (and on my worn-out, dubbed tape), all my frustrations towards that man are pretty much gone.
Why are you so upset with George Lucas for releasing the same movie six times? No one told you to go buy it every time. Anyone with a head on their shoulders knew that eventually he was going to release the original versions again. All you had to do was be patient. He's a businessman. He also knows that most of you are suckers who will actually buy the same movie six times.
Now that I own the movies that I wanted, the "Star Wars Negativity Train" can stop and let me off. Thank you, George Lucas, for finally not acting like a dick. At least for this brief moment.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Jackass Number Two: A Wholly Imagined Review
No, I haven't seen this movie, nor do i plan to. I just think it's a safe bet that I can review this movie without having to drop eight bucks on it. I've seen the show before. I think that's all i need. I don't think that one needs much in the way of actual reference when reviewing a true life story about those kids in your class that you paid to eat things you found under your desk, riding rocket powered bikes into the water or stapling their own balls to their legs. I should be able to wing it. The great thing is, it saves me eight dollars and gas money.
Once in a lifetime, a movie comes along that makes you wonder, "Why exactly is it illegal for us to neuter or spay the less intelligent?" Movie, thy name is "Jackass."
"A new low."
"A plunge into depravity."
"A sad commentary on our degenerating culture."
"A disgusting, replusive, grotesque spectacle."
And, well...you can't really argue with any of that. I don't think anyone's mother would be proud to see their son getting shot in the groin with paintballs or hiring an army of blue midgets to run down the street naked. It's kinda like fighting Mike Tyson when you don't have any arms. Sure, some might be impressed by your bravery, but your glaring stupidity will make people question how you made it through life without swallowing a beer mug full of razor blades or accidentally losing your other limbs in a fight with the lawnmower. And I'm not saying that I'm morally above laughing at some moron standing in front of a charging bull, but when the name of the show is "Jackass," you've given away your right to deflect criticism. And even if you called the show "Masterpiece Safe Well-Thought Out Brillance," once people got a glimpse of you swimming in raw sewage, I don't think anyone's who saw it is going to think you're a worthwhile member of society.
It's one thing to giggle amongst yourselves while you do things like this. Hell, as a guy, I think we all have had moments where we'd do stupid things just to make ourselves laugh. Well, maybe just those of us who have white friends. I remember playing invisible tug-of-war across busy highways just to watch the cars stop or starting a pretend fight on the side of the road, or spray painting a cat's butt. Just doing things to see what would happen. The difference is, I was 14. And when girls came into the picture, all that crap went out of the window. Not because they were really trying to talk to me, but because in case they ever did, I wanted them to have something else to say to me besides, "hey, you're that guy who got banned from the mall, right?"
What do I really think of "Jackass?" I think that it's probably the stupidest possible thing you could be doing or watching at any given time. Having said that, I don't think it should be banned or anything like that. It's gotten a chuckle or two out of me, and it's about the most mindless form of entertainment ever invented. However, I think kids who emulate what they see on the show should be put in jail on the grounds that they're dangerously stupid and are probably going to get some of our useful members of society killed one day. The world should look at these movies as a helpful warning manual. "Being this level of retard is what's in store for you if you don't stay in school." And really, it's either that or being stuck in the back of Burger King, drying trays. Yeah, these guys have a little money, but not only will you not be joining them on their fun-filled romps, it's an even safer bet that eventually, someone smarter will be coming along to steal the little bit of money they do have. I just don't think any kids out there should pin their hopes for a better future on their ability to absorb pain or being unnaturally brave in the face of a stupid death. The idea brings this conversation to mind:
Parent 1: Yeah, little Devonte is excelling in all his sports. His basketball coach says that he could make the NBA one day, seeing as how he can dunk at 9 years old.
Parent 2: That's great. Well, little Cletus can take multiple shots to the head with a bat and can drink a whole gallon of paint thinner without passing out. I think I'm gonna try him out for that "Jackass" show.
Parent 1: Yeah, I'm gonna go call Child Protective Services now. There's a special place in Hell for people like you.
The ability to be stupider than everyone else shouldn't the signpost to a new era for your family. However, if this is the only skill that you have, by all means, die doing it. Not only will your life serve as a warning to those of us who aren't missing a chromosome, it will also help thin out the ranks of those of you who are, who seem to be unable to come up with ways to stop breeding.
Bottom Line: If your IQ is under 75 or you have no discernible skills, hopes, or dreams, by all means, see this movie, and follow it's example. Otherwise, your only hope in life is robbing liquor stores. If your IQ is 130 or higher, don't even go into the theater, because the surrounding moronicism will give you a headache. The movie actually drains intelligence at a rate of 3 IQ points per minute.
Once in a lifetime, a movie comes along that makes you wonder, "Why exactly is it illegal for us to neuter or spay the less intelligent?" Movie, thy name is "Jackass."
"A new low."
"A plunge into depravity."
"A sad commentary on our degenerating culture."
"A disgusting, replusive, grotesque spectacle."
And, well...you can't really argue with any of that. I don't think anyone's mother would be proud to see their son getting shot in the groin with paintballs or hiring an army of blue midgets to run down the street naked. It's kinda like fighting Mike Tyson when you don't have any arms. Sure, some might be impressed by your bravery, but your glaring stupidity will make people question how you made it through life without swallowing a beer mug full of razor blades or accidentally losing your other limbs in a fight with the lawnmower. And I'm not saying that I'm morally above laughing at some moron standing in front of a charging bull, but when the name of the show is "Jackass," you've given away your right to deflect criticism. And even if you called the show "Masterpiece Safe Well-Thought Out Brillance," once people got a glimpse of you swimming in raw sewage, I don't think anyone's who saw it is going to think you're a worthwhile member of society.
It's one thing to giggle amongst yourselves while you do things like this. Hell, as a guy, I think we all have had moments where we'd do stupid things just to make ourselves laugh. Well, maybe just those of us who have white friends. I remember playing invisible tug-of-war across busy highways just to watch the cars stop or starting a pretend fight on the side of the road, or spray painting a cat's butt. Just doing things to see what would happen. The difference is, I was 14. And when girls came into the picture, all that crap went out of the window. Not because they were really trying to talk to me, but because in case they ever did, I wanted them to have something else to say to me besides, "hey, you're that guy who got banned from the mall, right?"
What do I really think of "Jackass?" I think that it's probably the stupidest possible thing you could be doing or watching at any given time. Having said that, I don't think it should be banned or anything like that. It's gotten a chuckle or two out of me, and it's about the most mindless form of entertainment ever invented. However, I think kids who emulate what they see on the show should be put in jail on the grounds that they're dangerously stupid and are probably going to get some of our useful members of society killed one day. The world should look at these movies as a helpful warning manual. "Being this level of retard is what's in store for you if you don't stay in school." And really, it's either that or being stuck in the back of Burger King, drying trays. Yeah, these guys have a little money, but not only will you not be joining them on their fun-filled romps, it's an even safer bet that eventually, someone smarter will be coming along to steal the little bit of money they do have. I just don't think any kids out there should pin their hopes for a better future on their ability to absorb pain or being unnaturally brave in the face of a stupid death. The idea brings this conversation to mind:
Parent 1: Yeah, little Devonte is excelling in all his sports. His basketball coach says that he could make the NBA one day, seeing as how he can dunk at 9 years old.
Parent 2: That's great. Well, little Cletus can take multiple shots to the head with a bat and can drink a whole gallon of paint thinner without passing out. I think I'm gonna try him out for that "Jackass" show.
Parent 1: Yeah, I'm gonna go call Child Protective Services now. There's a special place in Hell for people like you.
The ability to be stupider than everyone else shouldn't the signpost to a new era for your family. However, if this is the only skill that you have, by all means, die doing it. Not only will your life serve as a warning to those of us who aren't missing a chromosome, it will also help thin out the ranks of those of you who are, who seem to be unable to come up with ways to stop breeding.
Bottom Line: If your IQ is under 75 or you have no discernible skills, hopes, or dreams, by all means, see this movie, and follow it's example. Otherwise, your only hope in life is robbing liquor stores. If your IQ is 130 or higher, don't even go into the theater, because the surrounding moronicism will give you a headache. The movie actually drains intelligence at a rate of 3 IQ points per minute.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I Can't Believe I Rented It - Seven Samurai
I saw Akira Kurosawa film "Seven Samurai" last night and I can sum it up thusly: It's 3 hours and 28 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
It's the 1954 tale of a farming village overrun with bandits, so the farmers go out and recruit some samurai to come in and protect their village. For those who are observant, yes, it does sound a lot like "Three Amigos," because "Three Amigos" totally ripped off it's plot.
Apparently, this movie is supposed to be a classic. I don't see how, though, because at this time in history, the Japanese don't seem to have discovered things like "pacing," "character development," or other basics of storytelling like "rising action," "falling action," or "climax." I guess they were too busy trying to figure out how to create a giant nuclear lizard from the depths and make it fight with a giant nuclear moth, except that no one in Japan thinks to distract the moth with a porchlight. Even now, they still don't seem to have mastered pacing, because developing giant transforming robots and inventing the "Schoolgirl Panty Dispenser" took priority sometime about the late 70s.
I suppose I should talk a little about the movie, but I already did, two paragraphs ago. Really, that's the long and the short of what's going on. For three hours. And 28 minutes. It's a movie so long and so boring that they actually put an intermission in it. Not even "Titanic" or any "Lord of the Rings" movie can make that claim.
Oh, right...I'm supposed to be talking about the movie. Okay...because they can't wait to get into this riveting tale of explosive battles to right the wrongs of the wrong, they don't even bother to introduce most of the characters. And you'd think in a movie that was subtitled, you'd pick up their names eventually. And you'd be sent back to your "remedial retard" class for thinking too clearly if you did. So we just made up names for the characters. There was "Fat Boy," and "Crazy Guy," and "Old Guy..." I don't remember the rest. And as you can see, we're not too imaginative. The last word on character introductions...some of them just show up. I'm still not sure where Crazy Guy came from. He was just...there.
Follow up on the shoddy character development: There were also no real explanations for why some of these guys were fighting for the villagers. Now, this being a Japanese movie about samurai, you don't really need too much of an explanation. Just lay down some words about how you want to do what's right (I think the leader was fighting for that) or because you want to be a better fighter (Old Guy kinda did that, except he turned them down at first, then showed back up with no follow up as to why he did) or just because you think the fight's gonna be totally rad (Goku...except he wasn't in this movie).
Then, there was the gay dude. He also just showed up at the beginning, around the same time as the crazy guy. Thinking back on it, I can't really remember when they first showed up, where they were from, or why they were stalking the leader, who they followed around for about a full day before even speaking to him. Now, the gay dude earned his name for being...well, gay. Sure, they never said it verbally, but his effeminate running and affection for picking flowers said more than real words ever could.
There was also a guy in town who had a daughter that he didn't trust not to get her crotch caught on a samurai, so he cut her hair and made her tell people she was a boy. It was working until she met "The Gay Blade," who fell in love with what he thought was a boy upon first glance. Then, when he found out she was really a girl, and she wanted to get down, he turned her down flat. And then she started insulting his manhood. Sorry, cupcake...God already beat you to it by making him gay.
Mix all this up and throw in some random characters who seem to just vanish, story situations that go nowhere, and group of bandits that have yet to be seen, or even given names, and that brings you up to the intermission. It was at this moment that we began to realize that we might be in trouble. Almost two hours had passed and there hadn't been a hint of build to anything yet. I mean, we know there's a fight coming with some bandits, but except for trying to convince some other samurai to fight, there hasn't been any preparation or anything. The samurai did walk around and look at stuff and there was something about an old lady with no food or teeth.
During the second half, they start training the town and building defenses, in what I can only believe was an test to see how many people's heads would actually explode from boredom. They actually showed their day-to-day procedures. Clearly, the training montage hadn't been invented yet. These 45 minutes that didn't need to be seen could have gone by in about three minutes with some clever editing and a song from an 80's hair metal band. Not only do you get to see how the process went down, but by the end of the song, you've worked out all of your mental anguish about Mickey's death AND you're ready to take on Clubber Lang. I can only assume that the need to show us each long, drawn-out, step in the process of digging a moat or learning to use a bamboo spear is part of a cultural difference that failed to translate.
And that...after what felt like forever...brings us to the huge battle scene. Remember when the battle scene began in "The Two Towers," or even "The Phantom Menace," and there was this feeling of anticipation that you were going to see about 7 shades of awesome explode all over your screen's ass? Yeah, well...they left that part out of Seven Samurai. And you thought "Phantom Menace" let you down. This fight scene unfolded with all the drama and excitement of watching those home movies of you and your friends pretending to be He-Man vs. The Superfriends in the yard down the street. I'm not making this up. They even have recreated the authenticity of that one kid who just ran back and forth in the yard for an hour, because he couldn't find anyone to pretend to fight with.
The bandits showed up, nameless and faceless and rode down the mountain to the village, where they came up to the fence...and then disappeared for the next 15 minutes, presumably out of politeness for the samurai, who had to discuss everything. Then, when both sides were ready, the bandits torched the houses on the outskirts of town, which sent the town's women into hysterics. Once the women were sent safely away, the "Battle to Bore All Other Battles to Sleep" began.
The bandits rode back and forth through the town and the villagers executed what seemed to be a trapping defense, like the one the Chicago Bulls used to use. So, the bandits rode some more, and the villagers trapped some more. And a few minutes in, two things became apparent: No one was fighting and the samurai weren't doing anything. Eventually, some people would die, I'm assuming, because they were keeping track on the scorecard, I guess, to make things easier for the bookies. Then, the bandits went home for dinner or something. I don't know. The next day, they came back and did it all over again, because the crazy guy went to their horses and stole one guy's gun and ran back or something....seriously, do you really care? So, at the end of that day, they had killed practically all of the bandits. At this point, non-idiot bandits would have thought, "hey, these guys are kicking our asses. Let's go find someone that we can beat." But, in what I can only assume was a move inspired by a need for syphillis medicine or an open head wound, the remaining 10 or so bandits came back again. And lost.
At this point, I was just hoping the movie was going to end, so I don't remember much about what happened next. What was far more interesting was what we talked about after the movie, which included topics like, "the Falcons offense, how small your head has to be for one to be as retarded as Detroit Lions' management, something I saw on House the other day, transsexuals and the perversions of one of our old teachers, the length of former WWF wrestler Chyna's clitoris, and of course, whether or not I'd run back and steal Mike's penis from the paramedics who picked it up off of the road." Incidentally, Mike...if you're reading this...I'd totally go back and pick it up with my bare hands.
Summary: Basically, this movie should only be used as a sleeping aid or mind-numbing agent and NEVER as entertainment. Should you ever fall on your remote and force yourself to watch it, you'll find a brand-new edition to add to your list as "All-Time Worst Movies." Or maybe I'm just not smart or cultured enough to appreciate it. Instead, I'll just say that I'm not so pretentious that I'd lie to myself or the world and claim that this qualifies as "a good movie."
It's the 1954 tale of a farming village overrun with bandits, so the farmers go out and recruit some samurai to come in and protect their village. For those who are observant, yes, it does sound a lot like "Three Amigos," because "Three Amigos" totally ripped off it's plot.
Apparently, this movie is supposed to be a classic. I don't see how, though, because at this time in history, the Japanese don't seem to have discovered things like "pacing," "character development," or other basics of storytelling like "rising action," "falling action," or "climax." I guess they were too busy trying to figure out how to create a giant nuclear lizard from the depths and make it fight with a giant nuclear moth, except that no one in Japan thinks to distract the moth with a porchlight. Even now, they still don't seem to have mastered pacing, because developing giant transforming robots and inventing the "Schoolgirl Panty Dispenser" took priority sometime about the late 70s.
I suppose I should talk a little about the movie, but I already did, two paragraphs ago. Really, that's the long and the short of what's going on. For three hours. And 28 minutes. It's a movie so long and so boring that they actually put an intermission in it. Not even "Titanic" or any "Lord of the Rings" movie can make that claim.
Oh, right...I'm supposed to be talking about the movie. Okay...because they can't wait to get into this riveting tale of explosive battles to right the wrongs of the wrong, they don't even bother to introduce most of the characters. And you'd think in a movie that was subtitled, you'd pick up their names eventually. And you'd be sent back to your "remedial retard" class for thinking too clearly if you did. So we just made up names for the characters. There was "Fat Boy," and "Crazy Guy," and "Old Guy..." I don't remember the rest. And as you can see, we're not too imaginative. The last word on character introductions...some of them just show up. I'm still not sure where Crazy Guy came from. He was just...there.
Follow up on the shoddy character development: There were also no real explanations for why some of these guys were fighting for the villagers. Now, this being a Japanese movie about samurai, you don't really need too much of an explanation. Just lay down some words about how you want to do what's right (I think the leader was fighting for that) or because you want to be a better fighter (Old Guy kinda did that, except he turned them down at first, then showed back up with no follow up as to why he did) or just because you think the fight's gonna be totally rad (Goku...except he wasn't in this movie).
Then, there was the gay dude. He also just showed up at the beginning, around the same time as the crazy guy. Thinking back on it, I can't really remember when they first showed up, where they were from, or why they were stalking the leader, who they followed around for about a full day before even speaking to him. Now, the gay dude earned his name for being...well, gay. Sure, they never said it verbally, but his effeminate running and affection for picking flowers said more than real words ever could.
There was also a guy in town who had a daughter that he didn't trust not to get her crotch caught on a samurai, so he cut her hair and made her tell people she was a boy. It was working until she met "The Gay Blade," who fell in love with what he thought was a boy upon first glance. Then, when he found out she was really a girl, and she wanted to get down, he turned her down flat. And then she started insulting his manhood. Sorry, cupcake...God already beat you to it by making him gay.
Mix all this up and throw in some random characters who seem to just vanish, story situations that go nowhere, and group of bandits that have yet to be seen, or even given names, and that brings you up to the intermission. It was at this moment that we began to realize that we might be in trouble. Almost two hours had passed and there hadn't been a hint of build to anything yet. I mean, we know there's a fight coming with some bandits, but except for trying to convince some other samurai to fight, there hasn't been any preparation or anything. The samurai did walk around and look at stuff and there was something about an old lady with no food or teeth.
During the second half, they start training the town and building defenses, in what I can only believe was an test to see how many people's heads would actually explode from boredom. They actually showed their day-to-day procedures. Clearly, the training montage hadn't been invented yet. These 45 minutes that didn't need to be seen could have gone by in about three minutes with some clever editing and a song from an 80's hair metal band. Not only do you get to see how the process went down, but by the end of the song, you've worked out all of your mental anguish about Mickey's death AND you're ready to take on Clubber Lang. I can only assume that the need to show us each long, drawn-out, step in the process of digging a moat or learning to use a bamboo spear is part of a cultural difference that failed to translate.
And that...after what felt like forever...brings us to the huge battle scene. Remember when the battle scene began in "The Two Towers," or even "The Phantom Menace," and there was this feeling of anticipation that you were going to see about 7 shades of awesome explode all over your screen's ass? Yeah, well...they left that part out of Seven Samurai. And you thought "Phantom Menace" let you down. This fight scene unfolded with all the drama and excitement of watching those home movies of you and your friends pretending to be He-Man vs. The Superfriends in the yard down the street. I'm not making this up. They even have recreated the authenticity of that one kid who just ran back and forth in the yard for an hour, because he couldn't find anyone to pretend to fight with.
The bandits showed up, nameless and faceless and rode down the mountain to the village, where they came up to the fence...and then disappeared for the next 15 minutes, presumably out of politeness for the samurai, who had to discuss everything. Then, when both sides were ready, the bandits torched the houses on the outskirts of town, which sent the town's women into hysterics. Once the women were sent safely away, the "Battle to Bore All Other Battles to Sleep" began.
The bandits rode back and forth through the town and the villagers executed what seemed to be a trapping defense, like the one the Chicago Bulls used to use. So, the bandits rode some more, and the villagers trapped some more. And a few minutes in, two things became apparent: No one was fighting and the samurai weren't doing anything. Eventually, some people would die, I'm assuming, because they were keeping track on the scorecard, I guess, to make things easier for the bookies. Then, the bandits went home for dinner or something. I don't know. The next day, they came back and did it all over again, because the crazy guy went to their horses and stole one guy's gun and ran back or something....seriously, do you really care? So, at the end of that day, they had killed practically all of the bandits. At this point, non-idiot bandits would have thought, "hey, these guys are kicking our asses. Let's go find someone that we can beat." But, in what I can only assume was a move inspired by a need for syphillis medicine or an open head wound, the remaining 10 or so bandits came back again. And lost.
At this point, I was just hoping the movie was going to end, so I don't remember much about what happened next. What was far more interesting was what we talked about after the movie, which included topics like, "the Falcons offense, how small your head has to be for one to be as retarded as Detroit Lions' management, something I saw on House the other day, transsexuals and the perversions of one of our old teachers, the length of former WWF wrestler Chyna's clitoris, and of course, whether or not I'd run back and steal Mike's penis from the paramedics who picked it up off of the road." Incidentally, Mike...if you're reading this...I'd totally go back and pick it up with my bare hands.
Summary: Basically, this movie should only be used as a sleeping aid or mind-numbing agent and NEVER as entertainment. Should you ever fall on your remote and force yourself to watch it, you'll find a brand-new edition to add to your list as "All-Time Worst Movies." Or maybe I'm just not smart or cultured enough to appreciate it. Instead, I'll just say that I'm not so pretentious that I'd lie to myself or the world and claim that this qualifies as "a good movie."
Sunday, June 4, 2006
I Can't Believe I Rented It - X3: The Last Stand
Never in my life had I gone into a movie with such low expectations and still exceeded them. You know things are bad when you can't decide which is worse: X3: The Last Stand or Batman and Robin.
Oh, yeah...it was that bad.
Leading up to the release of X3, I was trying to have high hopes. Anyone who's heard me talk about it knows that I really don't care for Bryan Singer much. As the director of the first two X-Men movies, he created movies that I like a little less everytime I see them. They're not bad movies, but the way I describe them is...they're good individual scenes held together by a shoestring of a plot. So, while not awful, I wouldn't hold them up as shining examples of good movies, either.
But Singer took off to do Superman (which I'm still iffy about), so he was replaced by an indy director, who took off for family related reasons, and that guy was replaced by Brett Ratner of Red Dragon (a movie that I tried repeatedly to watch and still have never seen the end) and Rush Hour (I heart Rush Hour) fame.
And lo, the mudslinging began.
Aintitcool.com (the website that Moviepoopchute.com from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was based on) was in an outrage for months. Ratner was going to kill the franchise, Ratner was a terrible director, Ratner had no business being in charge of the X-Men franchise. He didn't know the history and wasn't concerned with learning any of it. The negativity was especially thick, even amongst the already thick negativity that's usually there. I thought to myself, I'm not gonna get caught up in all that. I thought, this could possibly be the best of the three. Sure, I'm not happy about them doing the Phoenix story, but maybe a good movie will come out of it.
I think I might start listening to the Talkbackers on AICN more often.
How bad was this movie? I don't think my puny human tongue can adequately describe how bad this movie was. My brain can't think on enough levels to even make up a word that's appropriate. I'm not even going to really bitch about the characters much, because people that don't read the comic books don't really care. This simply was a bad movie, regardless of if it had comic book characters were in it or not. (Sad thing is, most people don't care about that either.) I started reading X-Men back in 1989, so I'm pretty familiar with the X-Men. But both Callisto and Psylocke (two major characters in X-Men history) were in the movie and I didn't know one was in the movie until I saw the credits. And she spent most of the movie beating the crap out of Storm. The other I discovered an hour ago, flipping through a magazine from a month ago. Who knew?
In Ratner's defense, he didn't have the proper amount of time to make a good movie, so his back was against the wall from the start. You got negativity from the fans and no support from the studio. Not a good start. Fox was so concerned about beating Superman to the punch that they announced a release date before they had a script, director or a re-signed cast. Everything was last minute for this movie.
Even so, I don't know why or how that means that you should just throw away things like good storytelling and just jam the movie with more stuff than people can actually process. It's impossible to make a two-and-some-change hour movie with 50 main characters and expect it to make sense. You just cannot have as many plotlines running amongst that many characters and have a good movie. You can't kill characters all willy-nilly. They were killing important characters with no build-up at all, yet you had these nameless jokers take up all the screentime? Shouldn't that be in reverse? Oh, yeah...you also can't have it change from day to night in a matter of seconds. That must have been a really long walk off the bridge. You'll know it when you see it. And you'll also wonder if everyone's second mutant power is to have really strong knees.
Now, a lot of people have seen the first two X-Men movies and going by what they've established, Scott Summers and Jean Grey are in love. So why is it that Wolverine is the one doing all the crying for Jean? Wouldn't it have made more sense for Cyclops to be doing that? Who cares if Wolverine is more popular...you gotta go where the story takes you. And Wolverine had never professed any love for Jean up to that point. He just wanted the booty. And we all knew that.
In fact, now that I think about it, I don't even remember them interacting at all in the second movie. How much could he possibly have been in love? They just met in the last movie! They had, what...two moments together? Then, you got Storm over here... Listen: I don't care how big of a name Halle is, she was never right for this part. They just picked the first black actress who came to mind. What, was Gabrielle Union's phone disconnected that day? No, she might not be the best choice, but she would have been better than Halle Berry. And she's completely given up on trying to sound like she might be from somewhere outside of America. Didn't even try this time.
They got the Beast in there...something they really could have done without. They did a good job on him, though, considering the circumstances. He was just a half-way important character, depending on which plotline was the focus.
Angel fits into the tier of characters who were just in the movie to be in the movie, which was most of them. Like Phoenix. Or Juggernaut. Or Professor X, for that matter. The only major characters in this movie were Magneto and Wolverine and that's bad considering how much they were trying to put into it. It's also bad considering that these two characters can't really fight each other. Well, they can fight, but all that would happen is Wolverine and his metal skeleton would keep getting thrown into shit, because Magneto...well, controls metal.
It was almost like it was a really bad pilot for a show, because you can already see what's coming next: A Wolverine franchise, a Magneto movie is also in the works, and because they can't resist it....a New Mutants or Generation X movie. Oh, bet on it.
Overall, I really hoped for the best with this one. Then, I went into it with low expectations and was still disappointed. They tried to cram three movies into one, tried to distract fans with comic book moments and situations, threw a whole bunch of stuff at the screen, because they had no idea what else to do. They actually forgot to follow up on stuff until the end of the movie. And to rub salt in the wound, the endings...well, I'll just say that it's almost like they knew they fucked up.
It's not a bad movie because I like the comic books so much, it's a bad movie because it's a bad movie. It would have been bad regardless of the characters. It could have been so much more. Talk about a missed opportunity.
Oh, yeah...it was that bad.
Leading up to the release of X3, I was trying to have high hopes. Anyone who's heard me talk about it knows that I really don't care for Bryan Singer much. As the director of the first two X-Men movies, he created movies that I like a little less everytime I see them. They're not bad movies, but the way I describe them is...they're good individual scenes held together by a shoestring of a plot. So, while not awful, I wouldn't hold them up as shining examples of good movies, either.
But Singer took off to do Superman (which I'm still iffy about), so he was replaced by an indy director, who took off for family related reasons, and that guy was replaced by Brett Ratner of Red Dragon (a movie that I tried repeatedly to watch and still have never seen the end) and Rush Hour (I heart Rush Hour) fame.
And lo, the mudslinging began.
Aintitcool.com (the website that Moviepoopchute.com from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was based on) was in an outrage for months. Ratner was going to kill the franchise, Ratner was a terrible director, Ratner had no business being in charge of the X-Men franchise. He didn't know the history and wasn't concerned with learning any of it. The negativity was especially thick, even amongst the already thick negativity that's usually there. I thought to myself, I'm not gonna get caught up in all that. I thought, this could possibly be the best of the three. Sure, I'm not happy about them doing the Phoenix story, but maybe a good movie will come out of it.
I think I might start listening to the Talkbackers on AICN more often.
How bad was this movie? I don't think my puny human tongue can adequately describe how bad this movie was. My brain can't think on enough levels to even make up a word that's appropriate. I'm not even going to really bitch about the characters much, because people that don't read the comic books don't really care. This simply was a bad movie, regardless of if it had comic book characters were in it or not. (Sad thing is, most people don't care about that either.) I started reading X-Men back in 1989, so I'm pretty familiar with the X-Men. But both Callisto and Psylocke (two major characters in X-Men history) were in the movie and I didn't know one was in the movie until I saw the credits. And she spent most of the movie beating the crap out of Storm. The other I discovered an hour ago, flipping through a magazine from a month ago. Who knew?
In Ratner's defense, he didn't have the proper amount of time to make a good movie, so his back was against the wall from the start. You got negativity from the fans and no support from the studio. Not a good start. Fox was so concerned about beating Superman to the punch that they announced a release date before they had a script, director or a re-signed cast. Everything was last minute for this movie.
Even so, I don't know why or how that means that you should just throw away things like good storytelling and just jam the movie with more stuff than people can actually process. It's impossible to make a two-and-some-change hour movie with 50 main characters and expect it to make sense. You just cannot have as many plotlines running amongst that many characters and have a good movie. You can't kill characters all willy-nilly. They were killing important characters with no build-up at all, yet you had these nameless jokers take up all the screentime? Shouldn't that be in reverse? Oh, yeah...you also can't have it change from day to night in a matter of seconds. That must have been a really long walk off the bridge. You'll know it when you see it. And you'll also wonder if everyone's second mutant power is to have really strong knees.
Now, a lot of people have seen the first two X-Men movies and going by what they've established, Scott Summers and Jean Grey are in love. So why is it that Wolverine is the one doing all the crying for Jean? Wouldn't it have made more sense for Cyclops to be doing that? Who cares if Wolverine is more popular...you gotta go where the story takes you. And Wolverine had never professed any love for Jean up to that point. He just wanted the booty. And we all knew that.
In fact, now that I think about it, I don't even remember them interacting at all in the second movie. How much could he possibly have been in love? They just met in the last movie! They had, what...two moments together? Then, you got Storm over here... Listen: I don't care how big of a name Halle is, she was never right for this part. They just picked the first black actress who came to mind. What, was Gabrielle Union's phone disconnected that day? No, she might not be the best choice, but she would have been better than Halle Berry. And she's completely given up on trying to sound like she might be from somewhere outside of America. Didn't even try this time.
They got the Beast in there...something they really could have done without. They did a good job on him, though, considering the circumstances. He was just a half-way important character, depending on which plotline was the focus.
Angel fits into the tier of characters who were just in the movie to be in the movie, which was most of them. Like Phoenix. Or Juggernaut. Or Professor X, for that matter. The only major characters in this movie were Magneto and Wolverine and that's bad considering how much they were trying to put into it. It's also bad considering that these two characters can't really fight each other. Well, they can fight, but all that would happen is Wolverine and his metal skeleton would keep getting thrown into shit, because Magneto...well, controls metal.
It was almost like it was a really bad pilot for a show, because you can already see what's coming next: A Wolverine franchise, a Magneto movie is also in the works, and because they can't resist it....a New Mutants or Generation X movie. Oh, bet on it.
Overall, I really hoped for the best with this one. Then, I went into it with low expectations and was still disappointed. They tried to cram three movies into one, tried to distract fans with comic book moments and situations, threw a whole bunch of stuff at the screen, because they had no idea what else to do. They actually forgot to follow up on stuff until the end of the movie. And to rub salt in the wound, the endings...well, I'll just say that it's almost like they knew they fucked up.
It's not a bad movie because I like the comic books so much, it's a bad movie because it's a bad movie. It would have been bad regardless of the characters. It could have been so much more. Talk about a missed opportunity.
Monday, April 24, 2006
My Upcoming Box-Office Despair
Jesus Christ, they're at it again.
I like movies, ya'll. More specifically than that, I like GOOD movies. A couple of years ago, I had to make myself watch a bootleg of Alien vs. Predator. That wasn't a good movie.
But, unsurprisingly, Fox has decided to make another Alien vs. Predator movie. I guess the torment of true Alien and Predator fans wasn't enough the first time around. Now, they have to rub people's faces in it. Right now, I'm looking at a script review over at AICN and man, this a terrible movie. It's like they're remaking "Tremors."
First things first, the movie is called Alien vs. Predator. Unless reason goes flying completely out the window in the next year, the next movie will be called the same thing. So here's what I don't understand...why is it that these people insist on making people the focus of these movies? As fine as Sanaa Lathan is, I didn't want to see her cozying up to a Predator. I half expected them to kiss at the end of that movie. Oh, yeah...it was THAT BAD. This second one is shaping up to be even worse, because it's going to take place in a small Texas town and actually goes through the trouble of introducing a series of characters and their wildly disparate lives.
Lemme tell you why this is wrong: First...no one cares. The movie is called Alien vs. Predator, not Alien and Predator vs. People. That movie would suck. I know it would, because I saw it two years ago. Second...and this is my main problem with the way this "franchise" has played out...the big thing about the Alien movies was that they hadn't made it to Earth yet. That was Ripley's main beef with everyone. That they weren't taking the threat seriously and that they could make it to Earth. Now, the first AVP movie tried to work around that and actually seemed to respect the previous movies by having it take place in Antartica, therefore, in secret. This movie is going to put it smack in the middle of Texas and really, from reading this script review, it put me in the mind of something like "The Faculty." Seriously. And it basically pisses all over the stories established by the actual good movies before it.
Now, if I was making these movies, first thing I would have done is told the studio that this movie will NOT take place on Earth. That's what Alien 5 is supposed to be for. Second, this movie will NOT feature people. Really, if I had my way, there wouldn't be any dialogue, either, but i know that's not realistic. But the whole movie would have taken place on different worlds, starting off with a battle on an ice world. For some reason, I've always envisioned Predators hunting Aliens in the middle of a blizzard. I don't really have much else past that, but there's a ton of Alien vs. Predator comic books I can steal from. I haven't read any of them, but I'm sure the fans would be appreciative of my efforts.
And that's what it's all about really...the fans. Fox, Alien movies and Predator movies have a built in fan base. Sure, Predator is more inclusive, because it was a Schwarzneggar movie, but the fans are there. How hard is it to follow what's been established, especially when it was put there by superior filmmakers (like Ridley Scott and James Cameron, "Alien" and "Aliens")? These movies are no different than Spider-Man or Batman. If you respect its' history, the fans will come and they'll attract people who might not have otherwise gone, because they'll feed off of the excitement of people who geniunely are excited. It's not really that hard.
Another movie is coming up that's got me worried, too. It's called "Transformers," and it's a live action movie. I'm not making this up. And you know what worries me the most? It's focus on the human characters. Just like this one. If I wanted to watch people run around and do stuff, I'd watch, oh, say...anything else. I watch Transformers to see giant robots change into cars and planes and beat on each other. Not to see them take orders from humans that they would just as soon step on. It's why I don't watch any of the newer Transformers cartoons. And personally, I think if you're not gonna do it right, why not just leave it alone altogether? You're just going to piss people off.
In Dreamworks defense, Transformers seems to be shaping up a whole lot better than Alien vs. Predator 2. Why can't they just throw money at Cameron or Scott so Alien 5 can get made?
Fox...this is my plea to you. Either do it right or don't do it at all. Give me some Predators with high-tech weapons and funny clicking noises stalking Aliens with wet, drippy faces and acid blood. Dreamworks, I want to see giant robots shooting at other giant robots. I see people all the time. I don't ever get to see Aliens and Predators and Transformers.
I like movies, ya'll. More specifically than that, I like GOOD movies. A couple of years ago, I had to make myself watch a bootleg of Alien vs. Predator. That wasn't a good movie.
But, unsurprisingly, Fox has decided to make another Alien vs. Predator movie. I guess the torment of true Alien and Predator fans wasn't enough the first time around. Now, they have to rub people's faces in it. Right now, I'm looking at a script review over at AICN and man, this a terrible movie. It's like they're remaking "Tremors."
First things first, the movie is called Alien vs. Predator. Unless reason goes flying completely out the window in the next year, the next movie will be called the same thing. So here's what I don't understand...why is it that these people insist on making people the focus of these movies? As fine as Sanaa Lathan is, I didn't want to see her cozying up to a Predator. I half expected them to kiss at the end of that movie. Oh, yeah...it was THAT BAD. This second one is shaping up to be even worse, because it's going to take place in a small Texas town and actually goes through the trouble of introducing a series of characters and their wildly disparate lives.
Lemme tell you why this is wrong: First...no one cares. The movie is called Alien vs. Predator, not Alien and Predator vs. People. That movie would suck. I know it would, because I saw it two years ago. Second...and this is my main problem with the way this "franchise" has played out...the big thing about the Alien movies was that they hadn't made it to Earth yet. That was Ripley's main beef with everyone. That they weren't taking the threat seriously and that they could make it to Earth. Now, the first AVP movie tried to work around that and actually seemed to respect the previous movies by having it take place in Antartica, therefore, in secret. This movie is going to put it smack in the middle of Texas and really, from reading this script review, it put me in the mind of something like "The Faculty." Seriously. And it basically pisses all over the stories established by the actual good movies before it.
Now, if I was making these movies, first thing I would have done is told the studio that this movie will NOT take place on Earth. That's what Alien 5 is supposed to be for. Second, this movie will NOT feature people. Really, if I had my way, there wouldn't be any dialogue, either, but i know that's not realistic. But the whole movie would have taken place on different worlds, starting off with a battle on an ice world. For some reason, I've always envisioned Predators hunting Aliens in the middle of a blizzard. I don't really have much else past that, but there's a ton of Alien vs. Predator comic books I can steal from. I haven't read any of them, but I'm sure the fans would be appreciative of my efforts.
And that's what it's all about really...the fans. Fox, Alien movies and Predator movies have a built in fan base. Sure, Predator is more inclusive, because it was a Schwarzneggar movie, but the fans are there. How hard is it to follow what's been established, especially when it was put there by superior filmmakers (like Ridley Scott and James Cameron, "Alien" and "Aliens")? These movies are no different than Spider-Man or Batman. If you respect its' history, the fans will come and they'll attract people who might not have otherwise gone, because they'll feed off of the excitement of people who geniunely are excited. It's not really that hard.
Another movie is coming up that's got me worried, too. It's called "Transformers," and it's a live action movie. I'm not making this up. And you know what worries me the most? It's focus on the human characters. Just like this one. If I wanted to watch people run around and do stuff, I'd watch, oh, say...anything else. I watch Transformers to see giant robots change into cars and planes and beat on each other. Not to see them take orders from humans that they would just as soon step on. It's why I don't watch any of the newer Transformers cartoons. And personally, I think if you're not gonna do it right, why not just leave it alone altogether? You're just going to piss people off.
In Dreamworks defense, Transformers seems to be shaping up a whole lot better than Alien vs. Predator 2. Why can't they just throw money at Cameron or Scott so Alien 5 can get made?
Fox...this is my plea to you. Either do it right or don't do it at all. Give me some Predators with high-tech weapons and funny clicking noises stalking Aliens with wet, drippy faces and acid blood. Dreamworks, I want to see giant robots shooting at other giant robots. I see people all the time. I don't ever get to see Aliens and Predators and Transformers.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
The Problem With United 93
In the coming year, we have not one, but TWO movies coming that chronicle the details of September 11, 2001, both having extremely unimaginative titles. "United 93" and "WORLD TRADE CENTER." Being a nigh-genius, I think I'm the only one who sees something wrong with this.
First (and I'm sure I've said this somewhere before), from a historical standpoint, September 11 was like...two weeks ago. It hasn't even been five years in actual time, and they're already making a movie about it. It's not like Pearl Harbor. 1946 was at least two past lives ago for me, but I'm halfway sure that Hollywood wasn't trying to profit off of something that they weren't done dealing with overseas.
At the time, war movies were popular, but that was more propaganda than anything else. Not to mention wholly imagined. No, these movies are supposed to be an accurate account of a traumatic experience that most of America happened to watch live on TV. And unless they're going to really expose the government's hand in the whole thing, I don't see the point in even getting into it.
The bodies are still steaming in their graves! It's too soon!
Paul Greengrass (i believe that's the director's name) says some BS about this movie being a reminder of the terrible events that took place that day. Like we need another reminder. I guess to him, CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, The Discovery Channel, The Learning Channel, A&E, and the institution of American politics in the 21st Century aren't enough. Not to mention all those digital cable channels that I can't afford to have. Hell, every fifth time Bush opens his mouth, it has something to do with September 11th. It's almost like the politicians believe that every time they mention that day, an angel gets his wings. Or Baby Jesus grows another tooth. Either way, it's something that those guys never have a chance of seeing unless they have fire-proof telescopes and binoculars in Hell.
You know how I know it's too soon? One of the guys involved is STILL ON TRIAL!!! IT'S TOO FUCKING SOON!!!
See, here's the litmus test for movies like this. If a politician can insult his challenger in an election about what he didn't do during the time in question and it helps him win the election, it's too soon. That's why Pearl Harbor and Titanic are okay (unless they're being graded on the "good movie" scale). Hundreds or thousands died, but so did everyone else who's old enough to actually remember it. So there's no one to bitch. Which means, by my sliding scale, the movies about September 11th shouldn't be made until about...July 14, 2109. I'm not going to consider death until around that time.
So Hollywood filmmakers, don't try to blow smoke up our asses about how it's been long enough to tell this story. We KNOW the story. You know how why it hasn't been long enough? The news stations still do "Remember" specials every year. So, unless you're going to expose something that we DON'T know (which you aren't), can't you just let us forget about it for a little while before you rush a movie out that will help you refill the money-spouting fountain in your living room?
First (and I'm sure I've said this somewhere before), from a historical standpoint, September 11 was like...two weeks ago. It hasn't even been five years in actual time, and they're already making a movie about it. It's not like Pearl Harbor. 1946 was at least two past lives ago for me, but I'm halfway sure that Hollywood wasn't trying to profit off of something that they weren't done dealing with overseas.
At the time, war movies were popular, but that was more propaganda than anything else. Not to mention wholly imagined. No, these movies are supposed to be an accurate account of a traumatic experience that most of America happened to watch live on TV. And unless they're going to really expose the government's hand in the whole thing, I don't see the point in even getting into it.
The bodies are still steaming in their graves! It's too soon!
Paul Greengrass (i believe that's the director's name) says some BS about this movie being a reminder of the terrible events that took place that day. Like we need another reminder. I guess to him, CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, The Discovery Channel, The Learning Channel, A&E, and the institution of American politics in the 21st Century aren't enough. Not to mention all those digital cable channels that I can't afford to have. Hell, every fifth time Bush opens his mouth, it has something to do with September 11th. It's almost like the politicians believe that every time they mention that day, an angel gets his wings. Or Baby Jesus grows another tooth. Either way, it's something that those guys never have a chance of seeing unless they have fire-proof telescopes and binoculars in Hell.
You know how I know it's too soon? One of the guys involved is STILL ON TRIAL!!! IT'S TOO FUCKING SOON!!!
See, here's the litmus test for movies like this. If a politician can insult his challenger in an election about what he didn't do during the time in question and it helps him win the election, it's too soon. That's why Pearl Harbor and Titanic are okay (unless they're being graded on the "good movie" scale). Hundreds or thousands died, but so did everyone else who's old enough to actually remember it. So there's no one to bitch. Which means, by my sliding scale, the movies about September 11th shouldn't be made until about...July 14, 2109. I'm not going to consider death until around that time.
So Hollywood filmmakers, don't try to blow smoke up our asses about how it's been long enough to tell this story. We KNOW the story. You know how why it hasn't been long enough? The news stations still do "Remember" specials every year. So, unless you're going to expose something that we DON'T know (which you aren't), can't you just let us forget about it for a little while before you rush a movie out that will help you refill the money-spouting fountain in your living room?
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