I Can't Believe I Rented It - Seven Samurai

I saw Akira Kurosawa film "Seven Samurai" last night and I can sum it up thusly: It's 3 hours and 28 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

It's the 1954 tale of a farming village overrun with bandits, so the farmers go out and recruit some samurai to come in and protect their village. For those who are observant, yes, it does sound a lot like "Three Amigos," because "Three Amigos" totally ripped off it's plot.

Apparently, this movie is supposed to be a classic. I don't see how, though, because at this time in history, the Japanese don't seem to have discovered things like "pacing," "character development," or other basics of storytelling like "rising action," "falling action," or "climax." I guess they were too busy trying to figure out how to create a giant nuclear lizard from the depths and make it fight with a giant nuclear moth, except that no one in Japan thinks to distract the moth with a porchlight. Even now, they still don't seem to have mastered pacing, because developing giant transforming robots and inventing the "Schoolgirl Panty Dispenser" took priority sometime about the late 70s.

I suppose I should talk a little about the movie, but I already did, two paragraphs ago. Really, that's the long and the short of what's going on. For three hours. And 28 minutes. It's a movie so long and so boring that they actually put an intermission in it. Not even "Titanic" or any "Lord of the Rings" movie can make that claim.

Oh, right...I'm supposed to be talking about the movie. Okay...because they can't wait to get into this riveting tale of explosive battles to right the wrongs of the wrong, they don't even bother to introduce most of the characters. And you'd think in a movie that was subtitled, you'd pick up their names eventually. And you'd be sent back to your "remedial retard" class for thinking too clearly if you did. So we just made up names for the characters. There was "Fat Boy," and "Crazy Guy," and "Old Guy..." I don't remember the rest. And as you can see, we're not too imaginative. The last word on character introductions...some of them just show up. I'm still not sure where Crazy Guy came from. He was just...there.

Follow up on the shoddy character development: There were also no real explanations for why some of these guys were fighting for the villagers. Now, this being a Japanese movie about samurai, you don't really need too much of an explanation. Just lay down some words about how you want to do what's right (I think the leader was fighting for that) or because you want to be a better fighter (Old Guy kinda did that, except he turned them down at first, then showed back up with no follow up as to why he did) or just because you think the fight's gonna be totally rad (Goku...except he wasn't in this movie).

Then, there was the gay dude. He also just showed up at the beginning, around the same time as the crazy guy. Thinking back on it, I can't really remember when they first showed up, where they were from, or why they were stalking the leader, who they followed around for about a full day before even speaking to him. Now, the gay dude earned his name for being...well, gay. Sure, they never said it verbally, but his effeminate running and affection for picking flowers said more than real words ever could.

There was also a guy in town who had a daughter that he didn't trust not to get her crotch caught on a samurai, so he cut her hair and made her tell people she was a boy. It was working until she met "The Gay Blade," who fell in love with what he thought was a boy upon first glance. Then, when he found out she was really a girl, and she wanted to get down, he turned her down flat. And then she started insulting his manhood. Sorry, cupcake...God already beat you to it by making him gay.

Mix all this up and throw in some random characters who seem to just vanish, story situations that go nowhere, and group of bandits that have yet to be seen, or even given names, and that brings you up to the intermission. It was at this moment that we began to realize that we might be in trouble. Almost two hours had passed and there hadn't been a hint of build to anything yet. I mean, we know there's a fight coming with some bandits, but except for trying to convince some other samurai to fight, there hasn't been any preparation or anything. The samurai did walk around and look at stuff and there was something about an old lady with no food or teeth.

During the second half, they start training the town and building defenses, in what I can only believe was an test to see how many people's heads would actually explode from boredom. They actually showed their day-to-day procedures. Clearly, the training montage hadn't been invented yet. These 45 minutes that didn't need to be seen could have gone by in about three minutes with some clever editing and a song from an 80's hair metal band. Not only do you get to see how the process went down, but by the end of the song, you've worked out all of your mental anguish about Mickey's death AND you're ready to take on Clubber Lang. I can only assume that the need to show us each long, drawn-out, step in the process of digging a moat or learning to use a bamboo spear is part of a cultural difference that failed to translate.

And that...after what felt like forever...brings us to the huge battle scene. Remember when the battle scene began in "The Two Towers," or even "The Phantom Menace," and there was this feeling of anticipation that you were going to see about 7 shades of awesome explode all over your screen's ass? Yeah, well...they left that part out of Seven Samurai. And you thought "Phantom Menace" let you down. This fight scene unfolded with all the drama and excitement of watching those home movies of you and your friends pretending to be He-Man vs. The Superfriends in the yard down the street. I'm not making this up. They even have recreated the authenticity of that one kid who just ran back and forth in the yard for an hour, because he couldn't find anyone to pretend to fight with.

The bandits showed up, nameless and faceless and rode down the mountain to the village, where they came up to the fence...and then disappeared for the next 15 minutes, presumably out of politeness for the samurai, who had to discuss everything. Then, when both sides were ready, the bandits torched the houses on the outskirts of town, which sent the town's women into hysterics. Once the women were sent safely away, the "Battle to Bore All Other Battles to Sleep" began.

The bandits rode back and forth through the town and the villagers executed what seemed to be a trapping defense, like the one the Chicago Bulls used to use. So, the bandits rode some more, and the villagers trapped some more. And a few minutes in, two things became apparent: No one was fighting and the samurai weren't doing anything. Eventually, some people would die, I'm assuming, because they were keeping track on the scorecard, I guess, to make things easier for the bookies. Then, the bandits went home for dinner or something. I don't know. The next day, they came back and did it all over again, because the crazy guy went to their horses and stole one guy's gun and ran back or something....seriously, do you really care? So, at the end of that day, they had killed practically all of the bandits. At this point, non-idiot bandits would have thought, "hey, these guys are kicking our asses. Let's go find someone that we can beat." But, in what I can only assume was a move inspired by a need for syphillis medicine or an open head wound, the remaining 10 or so bandits came back again. And lost.

At this point, I was just hoping the movie was going to end, so I don't remember much about what happened next. What was far more interesting was what we talked about after the movie, which included topics like, "the Falcons offense, how small your head has to be for one to be as retarded as Detroit Lions' management, something I saw on House the other day, transsexuals and the perversions of one of our old teachers, the length of former WWF wrestler Chyna's clitoris, and of course, whether or not I'd run back and steal Mike's penis from the paramedics who picked it up off of the road." Incidentally, Mike...if you're reading this...I'd totally go back and pick it up with my bare hands.

Summary: Basically, this movie should only be used as a sleeping aid or mind-numbing agent and NEVER as entertainment. Should you ever fall on your remote and force yourself to watch it, you'll find a brand-new edition to add to your list as "All-Time Worst Movies." Or maybe I'm just not smart or cultured enough to appreciate it. Instead, I'll just say that I'm not so pretentious that I'd lie to myself or the world and claim that this qualifies as "a good movie."