Jackass Number Two: A Wholly Imagined Review

No, I haven't seen this movie, nor do i plan to. I just think it's a safe bet that I can review this movie without having to drop eight bucks on it. I've seen the show before. I think that's all i need. I don't think that one needs much in the way of actual reference when reviewing a true life story about those kids in your class that you paid to eat things you found under your desk, riding rocket powered bikes into the water or stapling their own balls to their legs. I should be able to wing it. The great thing is, it saves me eight dollars and gas money.

Once in a lifetime, a movie comes along that makes you wonder, "Why exactly is it illegal for us to neuter or spay the less intelligent?" Movie, thy name is "Jackass."

"A new low."

"A plunge into depravity."

"A sad commentary on our degenerating culture."

"A disgusting, replusive, grotesque spectacle."

And, well...you can't really argue with any of that. I don't think anyone's mother would be proud to see their son getting shot in the groin with paintballs or hiring an army of blue midgets to run down the street naked. It's kinda like fighting Mike Tyson when you don't have any arms. Sure, some might be impressed by your bravery, but your glaring stupidity will make people question how you made it through life without swallowing a beer mug full of razor blades or accidentally losing your other limbs in a fight with the lawnmower. And I'm not saying that I'm morally above laughing at some moron standing in front of a charging bull, but when the name of the show is "Jackass," you've given away your right to deflect criticism. And even if you called the show "Masterpiece Safe Well-Thought Out Brillance," once people got a glimpse of you swimming in raw sewage, I don't think anyone's who saw it is going to think you're a worthwhile member of society.

It's one thing to giggle amongst yourselves while you do things like this. Hell, as a guy, I think we all have had moments where we'd do stupid things just to make ourselves laugh. Well, maybe just those of us who have white friends. I remember playing invisible tug-of-war across busy highways just to watch the cars stop or starting a pretend fight on the side of the road, or spray painting a cat's butt. Just doing things to see what would happen. The difference is, I was 14. And when girls came into the picture, all that crap went out of the window. Not because they were really trying to talk to me, but because in case they ever did, I wanted them to have something else to say to me besides, "hey, you're that guy who got banned from the mall, right?"

What do I really think of "Jackass?" I think that it's probably the stupidest possible thing you could be doing or watching at any given time. Having said that, I don't think it should be banned or anything like that. It's gotten a chuckle or two out of me, and it's about the most mindless form of entertainment ever invented. However, I think kids who emulate what they see on the show should be put in jail on the grounds that they're dangerously stupid and are probably going to get some of our useful members of society killed one day. The world should look at these movies as a helpful warning manual. "Being this level of retard is what's in store for you if you don't stay in school." And really, it's either that or being stuck in the back of Burger King, drying trays. Yeah, these guys have a little money, but not only will you not be joining them on their fun-filled romps, it's an even safer bet that eventually, someone smarter will be coming along to steal the little bit of money they do have. I just don't think any kids out there should pin their hopes for a better future on their ability to absorb pain or being unnaturally brave in the face of a stupid death. The idea brings this conversation to mind:

Parent 1: Yeah, little Devonte is excelling in all his sports. His basketball coach says that he could make the NBA one day, seeing as how he can dunk at 9 years old.

Parent 2: That's great. Well, little Cletus can take multiple shots to the head with a bat and can drink a whole gallon of paint thinner without passing out. I think I'm gonna try him out for that "Jackass" show.

Parent 1: Yeah, I'm gonna go call Child Protective Services now. There's a special place in Hell for people like you.

The ability to be stupider than everyone else shouldn't the signpost to a new era for your family. However, if this is the only skill that you have, by all means, die doing it. Not only will your life serve as a warning to those of us who aren't missing a chromosome, it will also help thin out the ranks of those of you who are, who seem to be unable to come up with ways to stop breeding.

Bottom Line: If your IQ is under 75 or you have no discernible skills, hopes, or dreams, by all means, see this movie, and follow it's example. Otherwise, your only hope in life is robbing liquor stores. If your IQ is 130 or higher, don't even go into the theater, because the surrounding moronicism will give you a headache. The movie actually drains intelligence at a rate of 3 IQ points per minute.