An annoucement to all Star Wars fans/nerds: Shut the fuck up.
The original movies in their original forms are finally out on DVD. I, for one, am pleased. Han shot first. That's all I wanted. I was never really that up in arms about the other changes, except for that one. Now, that it's fixed, I have nothing further to say. I can even say, having finally seen it, that Hayden Christensen's appearance at the end of Return of the Jedi isn't so bad. And I've got a good copy of my favorite movies on DVD. End of story.
Or at least, it should be. Thing is, people are bitching about minor things this time around. Real minor stuff. Who cares about the box art? How many times a day are you going to look at it? Who's actually going to say, "Man, this movie sucks because the box art looks Photoshopped." Who cares about whether it's Dolby Digital or Dolby 5.1? Who cares about aspect ratio? I don't even know what that stuff means, I just hear you guys say it all the time. No one cared about it when it came out the first time and seeing it as it was presented then (and on my worn-out, dubbed tape), all my frustrations towards that man are pretty much gone.
Why are you so upset with George Lucas for releasing the same movie six times? No one told you to go buy it every time. Anyone with a head on their shoulders knew that eventually he was going to release the original versions again. All you had to do was be patient. He's a businessman. He also knows that most of you are suckers who will actually buy the same movie six times.
Now that I own the movies that I wanted, the "Star Wars Negativity Train" can stop and let me off. Thank you, George Lucas, for finally not acting like a dick. At least for this brief moment.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Jackass Number Two: A Wholly Imagined Review
No, I haven't seen this movie, nor do i plan to. I just think it's a safe bet that I can review this movie without having to drop eight bucks on it. I've seen the show before. I think that's all i need. I don't think that one needs much in the way of actual reference when reviewing a true life story about those kids in your class that you paid to eat things you found under your desk, riding rocket powered bikes into the water or stapling their own balls to their legs. I should be able to wing it. The great thing is, it saves me eight dollars and gas money.
Once in a lifetime, a movie comes along that makes you wonder, "Why exactly is it illegal for us to neuter or spay the less intelligent?" Movie, thy name is "Jackass."
"A new low."
"A plunge into depravity."
"A sad commentary on our degenerating culture."
"A disgusting, replusive, grotesque spectacle."
And, well...you can't really argue with any of that. I don't think anyone's mother would be proud to see their son getting shot in the groin with paintballs or hiring an army of blue midgets to run down the street naked. It's kinda like fighting Mike Tyson when you don't have any arms. Sure, some might be impressed by your bravery, but your glaring stupidity will make people question how you made it through life without swallowing a beer mug full of razor blades or accidentally losing your other limbs in a fight with the lawnmower. And I'm not saying that I'm morally above laughing at some moron standing in front of a charging bull, but when the name of the show is "Jackass," you've given away your right to deflect criticism. And even if you called the show "Masterpiece Safe Well-Thought Out Brillance," once people got a glimpse of you swimming in raw sewage, I don't think anyone's who saw it is going to think you're a worthwhile member of society.
It's one thing to giggle amongst yourselves while you do things like this. Hell, as a guy, I think we all have had moments where we'd do stupid things just to make ourselves laugh. Well, maybe just those of us who have white friends. I remember playing invisible tug-of-war across busy highways just to watch the cars stop or starting a pretend fight on the side of the road, or spray painting a cat's butt. Just doing things to see what would happen. The difference is, I was 14. And when girls came into the picture, all that crap went out of the window. Not because they were really trying to talk to me, but because in case they ever did, I wanted them to have something else to say to me besides, "hey, you're that guy who got banned from the mall, right?"
What do I really think of "Jackass?" I think that it's probably the stupidest possible thing you could be doing or watching at any given time. Having said that, I don't think it should be banned or anything like that. It's gotten a chuckle or two out of me, and it's about the most mindless form of entertainment ever invented. However, I think kids who emulate what they see on the show should be put in jail on the grounds that they're dangerously stupid and are probably going to get some of our useful members of society killed one day. The world should look at these movies as a helpful warning manual. "Being this level of retard is what's in store for you if you don't stay in school." And really, it's either that or being stuck in the back of Burger King, drying trays. Yeah, these guys have a little money, but not only will you not be joining them on their fun-filled romps, it's an even safer bet that eventually, someone smarter will be coming along to steal the little bit of money they do have. I just don't think any kids out there should pin their hopes for a better future on their ability to absorb pain or being unnaturally brave in the face of a stupid death. The idea brings this conversation to mind:
Parent 1: Yeah, little Devonte is excelling in all his sports. His basketball coach says that he could make the NBA one day, seeing as how he can dunk at 9 years old.
Parent 2: That's great. Well, little Cletus can take multiple shots to the head with a bat and can drink a whole gallon of paint thinner without passing out. I think I'm gonna try him out for that "Jackass" show.
Parent 1: Yeah, I'm gonna go call Child Protective Services now. There's a special place in Hell for people like you.
The ability to be stupider than everyone else shouldn't the signpost to a new era for your family. However, if this is the only skill that you have, by all means, die doing it. Not only will your life serve as a warning to those of us who aren't missing a chromosome, it will also help thin out the ranks of those of you who are, who seem to be unable to come up with ways to stop breeding.
Bottom Line: If your IQ is under 75 or you have no discernible skills, hopes, or dreams, by all means, see this movie, and follow it's example. Otherwise, your only hope in life is robbing liquor stores. If your IQ is 130 or higher, don't even go into the theater, because the surrounding moronicism will give you a headache. The movie actually drains intelligence at a rate of 3 IQ points per minute.
Once in a lifetime, a movie comes along that makes you wonder, "Why exactly is it illegal for us to neuter or spay the less intelligent?" Movie, thy name is "Jackass."
"A new low."
"A plunge into depravity."
"A sad commentary on our degenerating culture."
"A disgusting, replusive, grotesque spectacle."
And, well...you can't really argue with any of that. I don't think anyone's mother would be proud to see their son getting shot in the groin with paintballs or hiring an army of blue midgets to run down the street naked. It's kinda like fighting Mike Tyson when you don't have any arms. Sure, some might be impressed by your bravery, but your glaring stupidity will make people question how you made it through life without swallowing a beer mug full of razor blades or accidentally losing your other limbs in a fight with the lawnmower. And I'm not saying that I'm morally above laughing at some moron standing in front of a charging bull, but when the name of the show is "Jackass," you've given away your right to deflect criticism. And even if you called the show "Masterpiece Safe Well-Thought Out Brillance," once people got a glimpse of you swimming in raw sewage, I don't think anyone's who saw it is going to think you're a worthwhile member of society.
It's one thing to giggle amongst yourselves while you do things like this. Hell, as a guy, I think we all have had moments where we'd do stupid things just to make ourselves laugh. Well, maybe just those of us who have white friends. I remember playing invisible tug-of-war across busy highways just to watch the cars stop or starting a pretend fight on the side of the road, or spray painting a cat's butt. Just doing things to see what would happen. The difference is, I was 14. And when girls came into the picture, all that crap went out of the window. Not because they were really trying to talk to me, but because in case they ever did, I wanted them to have something else to say to me besides, "hey, you're that guy who got banned from the mall, right?"
What do I really think of "Jackass?" I think that it's probably the stupidest possible thing you could be doing or watching at any given time. Having said that, I don't think it should be banned or anything like that. It's gotten a chuckle or two out of me, and it's about the most mindless form of entertainment ever invented. However, I think kids who emulate what they see on the show should be put in jail on the grounds that they're dangerously stupid and are probably going to get some of our useful members of society killed one day. The world should look at these movies as a helpful warning manual. "Being this level of retard is what's in store for you if you don't stay in school." And really, it's either that or being stuck in the back of Burger King, drying trays. Yeah, these guys have a little money, but not only will you not be joining them on their fun-filled romps, it's an even safer bet that eventually, someone smarter will be coming along to steal the little bit of money they do have. I just don't think any kids out there should pin their hopes for a better future on their ability to absorb pain or being unnaturally brave in the face of a stupid death. The idea brings this conversation to mind:
Parent 1: Yeah, little Devonte is excelling in all his sports. His basketball coach says that he could make the NBA one day, seeing as how he can dunk at 9 years old.
Parent 2: That's great. Well, little Cletus can take multiple shots to the head with a bat and can drink a whole gallon of paint thinner without passing out. I think I'm gonna try him out for that "Jackass" show.
Parent 1: Yeah, I'm gonna go call Child Protective Services now. There's a special place in Hell for people like you.
The ability to be stupider than everyone else shouldn't the signpost to a new era for your family. However, if this is the only skill that you have, by all means, die doing it. Not only will your life serve as a warning to those of us who aren't missing a chromosome, it will also help thin out the ranks of those of you who are, who seem to be unable to come up with ways to stop breeding.
Bottom Line: If your IQ is under 75 or you have no discernible skills, hopes, or dreams, by all means, see this movie, and follow it's example. Otherwise, your only hope in life is robbing liquor stores. If your IQ is 130 or higher, don't even go into the theater, because the surrounding moronicism will give you a headache. The movie actually drains intelligence at a rate of 3 IQ points per minute.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I Can't Believe I Rented It - Seven Samurai
I saw Akira Kurosawa film "Seven Samurai" last night and I can sum it up thusly: It's 3 hours and 28 minutes of my life I'll never get back.
It's the 1954 tale of a farming village overrun with bandits, so the farmers go out and recruit some samurai to come in and protect their village. For those who are observant, yes, it does sound a lot like "Three Amigos," because "Three Amigos" totally ripped off it's plot.
Apparently, this movie is supposed to be a classic. I don't see how, though, because at this time in history, the Japanese don't seem to have discovered things like "pacing," "character development," or other basics of storytelling like "rising action," "falling action," or "climax." I guess they were too busy trying to figure out how to create a giant nuclear lizard from the depths and make it fight with a giant nuclear moth, except that no one in Japan thinks to distract the moth with a porchlight. Even now, they still don't seem to have mastered pacing, because developing giant transforming robots and inventing the "Schoolgirl Panty Dispenser" took priority sometime about the late 70s.
I suppose I should talk a little about the movie, but I already did, two paragraphs ago. Really, that's the long and the short of what's going on. For three hours. And 28 minutes. It's a movie so long and so boring that they actually put an intermission in it. Not even "Titanic" or any "Lord of the Rings" movie can make that claim.
Oh, right...I'm supposed to be talking about the movie. Okay...because they can't wait to get into this riveting tale of explosive battles to right the wrongs of the wrong, they don't even bother to introduce most of the characters. And you'd think in a movie that was subtitled, you'd pick up their names eventually. And you'd be sent back to your "remedial retard" class for thinking too clearly if you did. So we just made up names for the characters. There was "Fat Boy," and "Crazy Guy," and "Old Guy..." I don't remember the rest. And as you can see, we're not too imaginative. The last word on character introductions...some of them just show up. I'm still not sure where Crazy Guy came from. He was just...there.
Follow up on the shoddy character development: There were also no real explanations for why some of these guys were fighting for the villagers. Now, this being a Japanese movie about samurai, you don't really need too much of an explanation. Just lay down some words about how you want to do what's right (I think the leader was fighting for that) or because you want to be a better fighter (Old Guy kinda did that, except he turned them down at first, then showed back up with no follow up as to why he did) or just because you think the fight's gonna be totally rad (Goku...except he wasn't in this movie).
Then, there was the gay dude. He also just showed up at the beginning, around the same time as the crazy guy. Thinking back on it, I can't really remember when they first showed up, where they were from, or why they were stalking the leader, who they followed around for about a full day before even speaking to him. Now, the gay dude earned his name for being...well, gay. Sure, they never said it verbally, but his effeminate running and affection for picking flowers said more than real words ever could.
There was also a guy in town who had a daughter that he didn't trust not to get her crotch caught on a samurai, so he cut her hair and made her tell people she was a boy. It was working until she met "The Gay Blade," who fell in love with what he thought was a boy upon first glance. Then, when he found out she was really a girl, and she wanted to get down, he turned her down flat. And then she started insulting his manhood. Sorry, cupcake...God already beat you to it by making him gay.
Mix all this up and throw in some random characters who seem to just vanish, story situations that go nowhere, and group of bandits that have yet to be seen, or even given names, and that brings you up to the intermission. It was at this moment that we began to realize that we might be in trouble. Almost two hours had passed and there hadn't been a hint of build to anything yet. I mean, we know there's a fight coming with some bandits, but except for trying to convince some other samurai to fight, there hasn't been any preparation or anything. The samurai did walk around and look at stuff and there was something about an old lady with no food or teeth.
During the second half, they start training the town and building defenses, in what I can only believe was an test to see how many people's heads would actually explode from boredom. They actually showed their day-to-day procedures. Clearly, the training montage hadn't been invented yet. These 45 minutes that didn't need to be seen could have gone by in about three minutes with some clever editing and a song from an 80's hair metal band. Not only do you get to see how the process went down, but by the end of the song, you've worked out all of your mental anguish about Mickey's death AND you're ready to take on Clubber Lang. I can only assume that the need to show us each long, drawn-out, step in the process of digging a moat or learning to use a bamboo spear is part of a cultural difference that failed to translate.
And that...after what felt like forever...brings us to the huge battle scene. Remember when the battle scene began in "The Two Towers," or even "The Phantom Menace," and there was this feeling of anticipation that you were going to see about 7 shades of awesome explode all over your screen's ass? Yeah, well...they left that part out of Seven Samurai. And you thought "Phantom Menace" let you down. This fight scene unfolded with all the drama and excitement of watching those home movies of you and your friends pretending to be He-Man vs. The Superfriends in the yard down the street. I'm not making this up. They even have recreated the authenticity of that one kid who just ran back and forth in the yard for an hour, because he couldn't find anyone to pretend to fight with.
The bandits showed up, nameless and faceless and rode down the mountain to the village, where they came up to the fence...and then disappeared for the next 15 minutes, presumably out of politeness for the samurai, who had to discuss everything. Then, when both sides were ready, the bandits torched the houses on the outskirts of town, which sent the town's women into hysterics. Once the women were sent safely away, the "Battle to Bore All Other Battles to Sleep" began.
The bandits rode back and forth through the town and the villagers executed what seemed to be a trapping defense, like the one the Chicago Bulls used to use. So, the bandits rode some more, and the villagers trapped some more. And a few minutes in, two things became apparent: No one was fighting and the samurai weren't doing anything. Eventually, some people would die, I'm assuming, because they were keeping track on the scorecard, I guess, to make things easier for the bookies. Then, the bandits went home for dinner or something. I don't know. The next day, they came back and did it all over again, because the crazy guy went to their horses and stole one guy's gun and ran back or something....seriously, do you really care? So, at the end of that day, they had killed practically all of the bandits. At this point, non-idiot bandits would have thought, "hey, these guys are kicking our asses. Let's go find someone that we can beat." But, in what I can only assume was a move inspired by a need for syphillis medicine or an open head wound, the remaining 10 or so bandits came back again. And lost.
At this point, I was just hoping the movie was going to end, so I don't remember much about what happened next. What was far more interesting was what we talked about after the movie, which included topics like, "the Falcons offense, how small your head has to be for one to be as retarded as Detroit Lions' management, something I saw on House the other day, transsexuals and the perversions of one of our old teachers, the length of former WWF wrestler Chyna's clitoris, and of course, whether or not I'd run back and steal Mike's penis from the paramedics who picked it up off of the road." Incidentally, Mike...if you're reading this...I'd totally go back and pick it up with my bare hands.
Summary: Basically, this movie should only be used as a sleeping aid or mind-numbing agent and NEVER as entertainment. Should you ever fall on your remote and force yourself to watch it, you'll find a brand-new edition to add to your list as "All-Time Worst Movies." Or maybe I'm just not smart or cultured enough to appreciate it. Instead, I'll just say that I'm not so pretentious that I'd lie to myself or the world and claim that this qualifies as "a good movie."
It's the 1954 tale of a farming village overrun with bandits, so the farmers go out and recruit some samurai to come in and protect their village. For those who are observant, yes, it does sound a lot like "Three Amigos," because "Three Amigos" totally ripped off it's plot.
Apparently, this movie is supposed to be a classic. I don't see how, though, because at this time in history, the Japanese don't seem to have discovered things like "pacing," "character development," or other basics of storytelling like "rising action," "falling action," or "climax." I guess they were too busy trying to figure out how to create a giant nuclear lizard from the depths and make it fight with a giant nuclear moth, except that no one in Japan thinks to distract the moth with a porchlight. Even now, they still don't seem to have mastered pacing, because developing giant transforming robots and inventing the "Schoolgirl Panty Dispenser" took priority sometime about the late 70s.
I suppose I should talk a little about the movie, but I already did, two paragraphs ago. Really, that's the long and the short of what's going on. For three hours. And 28 minutes. It's a movie so long and so boring that they actually put an intermission in it. Not even "Titanic" or any "Lord of the Rings" movie can make that claim.
Oh, right...I'm supposed to be talking about the movie. Okay...because they can't wait to get into this riveting tale of explosive battles to right the wrongs of the wrong, they don't even bother to introduce most of the characters. And you'd think in a movie that was subtitled, you'd pick up their names eventually. And you'd be sent back to your "remedial retard" class for thinking too clearly if you did. So we just made up names for the characters. There was "Fat Boy," and "Crazy Guy," and "Old Guy..." I don't remember the rest. And as you can see, we're not too imaginative. The last word on character introductions...some of them just show up. I'm still not sure where Crazy Guy came from. He was just...there.
Follow up on the shoddy character development: There were also no real explanations for why some of these guys were fighting for the villagers. Now, this being a Japanese movie about samurai, you don't really need too much of an explanation. Just lay down some words about how you want to do what's right (I think the leader was fighting for that) or because you want to be a better fighter (Old Guy kinda did that, except he turned them down at first, then showed back up with no follow up as to why he did) or just because you think the fight's gonna be totally rad (Goku...except he wasn't in this movie).
Then, there was the gay dude. He also just showed up at the beginning, around the same time as the crazy guy. Thinking back on it, I can't really remember when they first showed up, where they were from, or why they were stalking the leader, who they followed around for about a full day before even speaking to him. Now, the gay dude earned his name for being...well, gay. Sure, they never said it verbally, but his effeminate running and affection for picking flowers said more than real words ever could.
There was also a guy in town who had a daughter that he didn't trust not to get her crotch caught on a samurai, so he cut her hair and made her tell people she was a boy. It was working until she met "The Gay Blade," who fell in love with what he thought was a boy upon first glance. Then, when he found out she was really a girl, and she wanted to get down, he turned her down flat. And then she started insulting his manhood. Sorry, cupcake...God already beat you to it by making him gay.
Mix all this up and throw in some random characters who seem to just vanish, story situations that go nowhere, and group of bandits that have yet to be seen, or even given names, and that brings you up to the intermission. It was at this moment that we began to realize that we might be in trouble. Almost two hours had passed and there hadn't been a hint of build to anything yet. I mean, we know there's a fight coming with some bandits, but except for trying to convince some other samurai to fight, there hasn't been any preparation or anything. The samurai did walk around and look at stuff and there was something about an old lady with no food or teeth.
During the second half, they start training the town and building defenses, in what I can only believe was an test to see how many people's heads would actually explode from boredom. They actually showed their day-to-day procedures. Clearly, the training montage hadn't been invented yet. These 45 minutes that didn't need to be seen could have gone by in about three minutes with some clever editing and a song from an 80's hair metal band. Not only do you get to see how the process went down, but by the end of the song, you've worked out all of your mental anguish about Mickey's death AND you're ready to take on Clubber Lang. I can only assume that the need to show us each long, drawn-out, step in the process of digging a moat or learning to use a bamboo spear is part of a cultural difference that failed to translate.
And that...after what felt like forever...brings us to the huge battle scene. Remember when the battle scene began in "The Two Towers," or even "The Phantom Menace," and there was this feeling of anticipation that you were going to see about 7 shades of awesome explode all over your screen's ass? Yeah, well...they left that part out of Seven Samurai. And you thought "Phantom Menace" let you down. This fight scene unfolded with all the drama and excitement of watching those home movies of you and your friends pretending to be He-Man vs. The Superfriends in the yard down the street. I'm not making this up. They even have recreated the authenticity of that one kid who just ran back and forth in the yard for an hour, because he couldn't find anyone to pretend to fight with.
The bandits showed up, nameless and faceless and rode down the mountain to the village, where they came up to the fence...and then disappeared for the next 15 minutes, presumably out of politeness for the samurai, who had to discuss everything. Then, when both sides were ready, the bandits torched the houses on the outskirts of town, which sent the town's women into hysterics. Once the women were sent safely away, the "Battle to Bore All Other Battles to Sleep" began.
The bandits rode back and forth through the town and the villagers executed what seemed to be a trapping defense, like the one the Chicago Bulls used to use. So, the bandits rode some more, and the villagers trapped some more. And a few minutes in, two things became apparent: No one was fighting and the samurai weren't doing anything. Eventually, some people would die, I'm assuming, because they were keeping track on the scorecard, I guess, to make things easier for the bookies. Then, the bandits went home for dinner or something. I don't know. The next day, they came back and did it all over again, because the crazy guy went to their horses and stole one guy's gun and ran back or something....seriously, do you really care? So, at the end of that day, they had killed practically all of the bandits. At this point, non-idiot bandits would have thought, "hey, these guys are kicking our asses. Let's go find someone that we can beat." But, in what I can only assume was a move inspired by a need for syphillis medicine or an open head wound, the remaining 10 or so bandits came back again. And lost.
At this point, I was just hoping the movie was going to end, so I don't remember much about what happened next. What was far more interesting was what we talked about after the movie, which included topics like, "the Falcons offense, how small your head has to be for one to be as retarded as Detroit Lions' management, something I saw on House the other day, transsexuals and the perversions of one of our old teachers, the length of former WWF wrestler Chyna's clitoris, and of course, whether or not I'd run back and steal Mike's penis from the paramedics who picked it up off of the road." Incidentally, Mike...if you're reading this...I'd totally go back and pick it up with my bare hands.
Summary: Basically, this movie should only be used as a sleeping aid or mind-numbing agent and NEVER as entertainment. Should you ever fall on your remote and force yourself to watch it, you'll find a brand-new edition to add to your list as "All-Time Worst Movies." Or maybe I'm just not smart or cultured enough to appreciate it. Instead, I'll just say that I'm not so pretentious that I'd lie to myself or the world and claim that this qualifies as "a good movie."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)