The Follow Up to My Transformers Review

I've never done this before. I've never felt the need to actually respond to comments I've received about something I've written. Maybe I went a little bit too far. Maybe I should...

Nope. I'm not taking none of it back. This movie sucked.

I don't know what cartoons in the 80's has to do with anything. We're not talking about the cartoon. We're talking about the movie. But since cartoons were brought up, every cartoon has episodes where the title character isn't the focus. I wasn't paying nine bucks to watch them, either.

And since black characters in cartoons were brought up, I was never big on them, either. Jazz in the show never embarrassed me. Roadblock did. And Jazz in the movie made me roll my eyes. I'm glad he died. But just because the cartoon did it makes it okay for the movie do it almost 25 years later?

I never brought up dialogue outside of one line delivered by Prime. But since it was brought up, just because the dialogue on the cartoon wasn't that good, doesn't excuse the movie from having corny dialogue in any way, shape, or form. No one spent $200 million on an episode of Transformers.

I never said I expected this movie to be like the cartoon. There isn't a person in this life or the next who has ever heard me say that or express this sentiment. I always knew it wasn't going to be like the cartoon. And I went into the theater with low expectations. It's just always sad when you even your lowered expectations are exceeded.

I never said anything about Transformer names not making sense. I just never liked that Bumblebee wasn't a Volkswagen, and allegedly, that one wasn't Michael Bay's fault. Score one for him.

Regarding the Autobots being completely useless: Man, it's a two-and-a-half hour movie. I don't have time for Prime to learn how to man-up and fight his sworn enemies. He's been at it for a million years. If he can't get it now, he's never gonna get it.

Regarding what Michael Bay wanted to show in this movie: I already saw Armageddon. I already know how he thinks the U.S. Government would react to a threat from outer space. He just threw some Independence Day in there for good measure.

Someone tell me this...was ANYTHING that was going on with the Army, Sector Seven, the hot chick (she was okay), the hacker, and the other computer people even necessary? No, for real...that was integral to the story?

I have to admit, there were a couple of moments in this movie that gave me goosebumps. I think all of them were during times when Prime was talking. There were a couple of moments here and there that were pretty exciting. But when they're spaced out by things like the guided tour around the SECRET FACILITY or some half-assed love story or finding out if Tyrese and Johnny Knoxville are going to get to where they're going, I was yelling at the screen "GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!" Seriously...I don't care. Outside of Sam himself, there wasn't a single human being in this movie that they couldn't do without and I will argue with anyone on that point. Now, if you were able to look past that...fine. But for me, I paid nine bucks to see giant robots. I know I've said that a lot, but that's my problem with this movie. I didn't get what I paid to see.

There's nothing I said where I complained about changing the mythos of the cartoon or comic book. Say what you want...the movie got judged on its own merits. In fact, everyone else did all the nitpicking about the cartoon. I mentioned the cartoon one time, and that was when talking about Bumblebee. And even that is minor, because he could have been a Volkswagen with Mr. Fusion powered time-circuits, wings, and a horn that's powered by love and happiness, and the movie still wouldn't have been good.

I don't dislike things because they're not like the source material...except for Resident Evil, because they didn't even try. They could have called that movie Speed Hyper Death Kill Zombie Ultramix 4 and you would have never known the difference. But the thing is, just put a good movie out there. I thought Spider-Man was a good movie. The first time I saw X-Men, I thought it was good. Batman Begins was flat out awesome. I watch Smallville religiously. Teen Titans was one of the best comic related cartoons ever. And none of those things is completely true to the source material. But what they are is well written. They didn't make me want to leave the theater (or change the channel) when there wasn't something exploding on screen. Transformers can't say that.

Overall, it was like being on Jackass. Yeah, you get brief moments of fame and a little bit of money...but look at what you had to go through to get there. If you had completed the 7th grade like your mother said, you wouldn't have to swim in raw sewage to pay your rent.

Oh, and Shia LeBeouf was great. I can't wait to see him in something that's actually good.